I’m probably known with the locals as the dock whore now. I took a new guy to my crying spot. They all called the kid my novio (boyfriend), and because I was laughing instead of crying, I know what they think.
That’s ok, I walked proudly back to my boat while the six local workers stopped talking and stared at me. I didn’t feel like giving a cheeky smile and saying buenos noches, so I just walked by beaming from a night of laughing.
I was happy I had a friend and I had someone to laugh with. We talked about all sorts of things. The thing about making friends travelling is that it’s really safe. You can tell them anything and you’ll never see them again, or if you do, they told you everything too, so it’s cool. I like to think it of as an accelerated friendship. It’s surprising how deep friendships can get so quickly.
My new friend asked about my situation with captain cool and asked me some nice questions to help me work through it. He saw my struggle and is a kind human being who wants to help me stop.
He’s a sailor too so he totally gets it. We both feel the same about our captains and tried to figure out a way to get them to sail together while we take one of their boats. We’re still working on that! I was glad he gave me questions to ponder as we go from Cayo Largo to Cienfuegos. It’s a night sail so that’s when I do my best thinking and meditation. I don’t have the kid to distract me anymore which is both good and bad. Mostly bad, but he has his own journey right now. 😉
Anyway, as I write this, I think about how three nights ago I was sobbing uncontrollably while saying how I had no one, no real home and was so lonely and so tired of fighting alone. In the same spot two night later, I was chatting and laughing with a new friend who has similar views on life and although he only just met me, seemed to know what I needed. A night where we talked about spirituality, how much we’ve changed, getting out the frustrations of our captains by making jokes, the benefits of sailing, the meaning of life and talking about how sometimes we wake up to the smell and sound of our captain’s shitting and think, “Jesus, is this really what my life has come to?!?!” My stomach and face hurt from laughing so hard. Obviously it has been way too long since I had this kind of night.
So my new friend left me to think with what do I really want right now, where do I think I will go and to think about any regrets that may come from the options I have in front of me now. He said I’m a good person who will always make it in life and to make sure to be true to myself.
I don’t feel bad for feeling so alone that night. I know married people with family all around them who feel lonely. My situation is no different. What I feel grateful for is that with my loneliness and with the kid gone, I managed to be open to meet someone who will remind me that I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing at this exact moment and it’s all ok. He reminded me that whatever I do, I can always change it and it’s all ok.
We talked about how there are no coincidences in life and how we both had a series of events that led us to be exactly where we were at that moment at that dock watching an impressive lightening storm on one side and a beautiful moonless star filled night on the other. We shared how we both just needed someone to shine some light on our paths and bring a bit of joy we had forgotten about for a moment. It’s so refreshing to have met someone at this point in my journey who wanted absolutely nothing to do with me but relax, laugh and de-stress. He’s given me a new faith in the male race and reminded me of all the kind souls I have in my life.
As I decide to walk this part of my life journey alone (albeit with the help of one close friend and my Aunt when things are too overwhelming), I thank my ‘god’ for giving me these jewels so I can take a deep breath, hold my head up high and keep going. For if I can do the best for myself, I can give more to others.