Never say never

The “seaside” in Wisconsin

I’m back! Although it will probably be another little break until June whilst I get my fix of the sea!!

18 years and 11 months ago, I stepped on a plane with 3 bags and moved to England to join a bloke I had met only a couple of months earlier. His name was Alex (name changed to protect privacy). In a couple of months, I will be stepping on a plane with my bike and one bag (having gained experience and wisdom to ship my bags back to make it easier). This time, I am moving to be with a guy I re-met a few months ago. His name is also Alex. What can I say? Men of that name move me figuratively and literally!!!

Oh yes, please judge. “It’s too soon to move, what if it doesn’t work out? Are you sure you should put all your eggs in one basket?” I’ve heard it all already and don’t care. I can explain the love story, and will another time, but I’ll have you know that in the last nearly 19 years, I’ve moved country three times, always for a man and I’ve had the most exciting adventures, seen the most amazing places and met some of the most wonderful people. I don’t regret any decision I made as each move opened doors and exposed me to new situations I never even knew existed. Yep, I will always take a risk for love because in my eyes, there’s no risk, just adventures and learning new things about myself and the world.

Even though I’m going back to live one town over from my hometown, I have no doubt this Alex will introduce me to some pretty wild adventures too. The first starting with his three teenage daughters. I’ve already met them, they are such wonderful beings with their whole lives ahead of them. Their raging hormones remind me how far I’ve come and wondering if any wisdom I could pass on to them will assist them in the gorgeous journey of being a woman or if it will fall upon deaf ears and eye rolls like it did to me at that age. I’m excited to step into their lives in whichever way we all find suitable. 

Finding romance amongst the demands of family and work life will be another adventure.  Although it all depends on your definition of romance. I’m looking forward to summer walks with Alex and the rambunctious dogs ripping my arm off until I toughen up and can be stern with them. I’m just a sucker for black labs and that sweet look in their eyes fills my heart with tenderness.

Apparently the summer activity is to sit outside and watch the cars drive by. I’m looking forward to doing that, holding hands with the first boy I ever fell in love with at 12 and wondering if he’s the last man I will ever fall in love with. The cuddles on the sofa we had in the winter when I went for a trial run made my romance glass overflow. I was in my happy place with a man who was my first kiss, my first love and the nicest man that has walked (back) into my life in the last 10 years. I was safe, I was loved, I was part of a family, I belonged. To me, that is romantic beyond belief. 

My terrace in Mallorca

So after 19 years of new countries, new cultures, having jobs I didn’t even know existed, being swept off my feet and flown to various places by all types of men (the more exotic the place, usually the bigger of an ass they were), I’m ready to go home. I’ve had a tough two years of loneliness. At 45, I’m getting ready to transition into a new phase of life where women slow down, spread their wisdom and have stability in whatever way that means for them. Whilst I hope to leave Wisconsin again soon, (with Alex), the stability I crave is community. I never got that for more than a few months in Mallorca. It’s too transient. It’s full of people who are in a different tribe to me. My health was getting bad. According to The Biology of Belief by Dr Bruce Lipton, loneliness has the same effect on the body as chronic stress. I can testify to its truth.

Do I have doubts, fears, second thoughts? Of course. I’ve made a great life for myself. My mind has been opened as a result of the various places I’ve been and people I’ve met. My accent is different, I spell differently, I dress differently, I think differently, I’m certainly not the woman I was when I left at 26. I’m a freelance sailor and Homeopath and jack of all trades. I can go to Port Soller and talk to some people and voila I have work. However, the thing that has always been most important to me is community.  All of those doubts and fears are quieted by the fact that making this move means I will once again have that. I haven’t had it since I left Colombia seven years ago. It is the right decision for me and my health.

I’m excited to see how the worldly version of me fits back into my roots. I’m also excited at the prospect that Alex is desperate to leave Wisconsin, the States and see the world, by sailboat, campervan or all of the above. Whether we do that together or I teach him the ropes and we go our separate ways, doesn’t really matter. I’m looking forward to what’s in front of me right now.

One of my friends in Mallorca suggested I write a blog about the Europhile transitioning back into small white town America.  Whilst I’m really excited for my new adventure, I’m not blind to the fact it is a MASSIVE transition I never thought I would be making. Perhaps if I make a story of it, the tough times will become a breeze. On the 5th of June, my only plan is to get on a plane with my bike and my bag (and hope my others have arrived!!), be greeted by the man of my dreams and free fall. When I’ve done that in the past, I’ve landed in some pretty incredible places. Follow me on this new adventure and share with others who may be interested!

What being a woman means to me

It’s as glorious as it is laborious!

It’s a beautiful balance of madness and chaos and everything in between. The hormones we battle daily as well as the men who have even less of an understanding than we do. When the hormones are balanced, I feel my femininity within each cell of my body. I sense a gentle light of softness, kindness and understanding radiating from my body. It allows me to listen and nurture others in the way we were designed to do. I’m able to engage fully in the surroundings around me and soak in life’s beauty. I’m like a magnet for the good juju life has to offer and I fully embrace all that comes my way. No need to complain or ask for more, just gratitude that it’s there for however long it lasts.

 

When the hormones are out of whack, I too embrace this tricky dance. As I age and learn more about my body, I start to understand the dance, although our incredible bodies will never let us perfect it, for they will change again. Everything is fine for moments, days or sometimes even weeks and then boom, I’m crying for no apparent reason. How amazing that our bodies do this!! For it is these hormones that allow us the special privilege of creating and carrying a new life if we so choose. It’s nothing to get down about, it’s simply a dance to learn. This includes creating an audience who sill stand by and support and watch us no matter how ugly or stunning our dance is. Being a woman means I’m a natural nurturer and care taker and that includes caring for myself!

 

The dualities are endless. How wonderful it is to be the strength that allows someone to be held up and supported, even if I’m running low on reserves myself. Equally as beautiful is taking a step back and allowing someone else to care for me. I sometimes wonder why some women get so uptight when men do something chivalrous or in other words, a kind act. We know we can open the door ourselves or open that jar or carry our own luggage, but let’s face it, it’s nice to have a break. It’s very likely that the man that is offering feels good for assisting. Think of it as a break from our natural born roles. There’s a place for both femininity and masculinity in the world, but what it really boils down to is expressing kindness. After all, it feels refreshing to pass the reins over to someone else sometimes. I get tired. Part of being human is looking after each other.

 

I love how I can roll out of bed, put my hair up, go out into public and still turn people’s heads. There’s a special kind of beauty in the rawness of being au natural. In this day and age, I probably get more looks than those all made up because it’s rare that someone isn’t wearing a face full of make up or inserting various kinds of fillers into their face. On the flip side, I also like doing my hair, wearing a sexy outfit, whipping on some lippy and soaking up the attention I receive. I engage in desirous looks with my eyes that says, “Yes, I am sexy and sensual, thank you for noticing.” It’s an innocent power that allows both parties a hint of pleasure for as long as the gaze is held. Nothing untoward, dirty or manipulative. Just respect for natural human beauty. After all, we are sexual beings and physical attraction is a natural part of us.

Then there’s the part about falling and being in love. How a woman’s intellect and emotional intelligence can seduce even more than looks, although all aspects are fun in their own way. The twirling of the hair, the sultry looks, the gentle placing of a hand on their knee or shoulder. As the love grows deeper, there’s the look of compassion as they tell a sad story, the comprehension as their mood tells me they’re having a bad day and my innate ability to try and figure out a way to calm and care for them. The look of awe and respect as I display my intelligence and independence.

 

Some say being a woman is hard, and at times, I agree. However, the difficulty of being misunderstood, having uncontrollable mood swings and trying to live up to an unrealistic idea of what a woman should be is instantly rewarded when we discover the confidence to be who we are and embrace the good, bad and ugly parts of being a woman. For only then do we see the true potential life has to offer us and only then does the right audience come to watch us dance through life, appreciating, respecting and embracing all parts of us.

That has been my journey of being a woman and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Happy International Women’s Day to all of the women out there! Keep being you because you’re perfect the way you are.

The Nutcracker coming to life

As a child, the most magical and enchanting event of the year for me was the Nutcracker. I had always wanted to be a ballerina. I begged my parents to enrol me in ballet classes, to no avail. Therefore, the Nutcracker was the only time I could get lost in ballet. I would come home and pretend I looked as beautiful as the lead snowflake dancer as I danced around the living room shouting “Look at me!”  

From the very first musical note, the very first lighting of the oil lamp, I was entranced. I sat on the edge of my seat and entered a new world where I was one of the characters, observing, breathing and living in their world. I wanted to live in a world where there were oil lamps on the streets, candles burning in all the windows and streets lined with houses that were made of what seemed like randomly placed stones. To this day I can visualise the whole ballet and it brings tears to my eyes and fills my heart with a wonderous joy.

Fast forward to the present day…I’ve moved to a new village in Mallorca, called Soller. Tonight, I walked into the pharmacy and smiled proudly as I heard the chemist say to one of his co-workers “Es la homeopatia.” It’s the homeopath. As I popped out of the pharmacy with 20 new remedies and an extra spring in my step, I looked in front of me and images of the Nutcracker floated by. I was on the main shopping street which is closed to cars due to its narrow cobbled path. It’s far more important to invite shoppers, then allow cars to ruin its perfect beauty. Although it’s the 24^th of January, the Christmas decorations are still lingering in town. They aren’t lit, but the lights from the lanterns overhanging the buildings continue to illuminate the red Christmas bows that are clinging on to either side of the buildings on the lane. The Nutcracker theme song plays in my head as the corners of my lips extend towards my twinkling eyes and I imagine I’m in the theatre, but this time on the stage. A stage that felt more like real life to me than a performance. I slow my gait and look around. I absorb the voices of Catalan, the local language. I observe the interactions between the locals, laughing and joking in a language I don’t understand. I look up at the lanterns and imagine that instead of light bulbs, they are oil lights that the town crier (or whoever it is) had to light in order to give me the privilege of sight on a dark, chilly winter’s evening. I half expect snow to start gently kissing my hair and nose as sugarplums dance by….

I smile gently to myself knowing full well that although I’m in the present moment, it’s a moment that far precedes my time. I look into the houses that have their curtains open and lights on, the Mallorquins really are house proud. There are elaborate entryways, grand stair cases and overall impressive decorations displayed for visual pleasure. My eyes wander to the outside of the houses. How old these houses must be? How strong, sturdy and hardy they are to fight the elements over hundreds of years. I really don’t know, but my guess is that most of the houses I walk past are older than the country I was born in. What a privilege, what a sight, what an extraordinary feeling to be walking in a town I only dreamed I would ever see when I was a child.

As I embark on this new journey of homeopathy, I am observing the changes, the instabilities, the highs and lows, the anxieties, the wonders, the joys, the humbleness and the absolute awe that fills my being. Although I’m still on the same island, moving out to the countryside (but still on the coast!) has been the exciting new “travel” I’ve needed but can’t take, given the world’s current circumstances. Despite having a difficult time finding community on this island, I remember the 7 year old little girl wearing tights and a fancy dress sitting on the edge of her seat wishing that a place just like this still existed in the world. “Dreams do come true,” I tell myself. Although I used to ask Santa Claus for a pair of ballet shoes thinking it would make my parents enrol me in classes with the goal of dancing in the Nutcracker, I think being an adult and falling into a childlike wonder is a much better gift. Now excuse me as I go off to practice my ballet twirls in front of the fire… 

 

 

 

Full moon setting

The full moon rising over Lake Cocibolca, Nicaragua

Written 28th March 2021

When I opened my eyes this morning, I was blessed with the sight of a large golden full moon that was about to take a dip into the ocean. My negative mind told me that I was exhausted and complained about not getting enough sleep. I could tell my cold had moved from my chest to my head, but I focused on the joy of the beauty in front of me. When else in my life will I be able to view this magical gift of nature upon opening my eyes? The sick part of me wanted to sleep more and I closed my eyes again, yet kept opening them to soak in the beauty of the show. I had to absorb the power and magic for all those who didn’t have the privilege of watching it. The moon dipped down and I closed my eyes to try and sleep again, but then my vital force encouraged me to get up and be the first one at the beach.

The night before, my eyes had been fully opened to the toxicity of a person that I had one last thread to cut before being able to completely let go. It’s been a long process. The kind and compassionate side of me can often make me vulnerable and naive to those who are unhealthy. My ego says I can help them, they just need the right person to love, or whatever fantastical shit it comes up with to keep me attached to situations I know aren’t good for me, but can’t figure out why it’s so tough to leave. With each day that passes in Nicaragua, I have gained clarity and continue to distance myself further and further from this person. I learned how to sit back and observe what was happening. I had detached myself from a future with this person, but was still trying to offer support and love from afar. Of course this still leads to an attachment, this I was always conscious of.

I knew there were lies and I saw the story changed based on my reactions and responses. This time it was enough. The lies crossed the line and the healthy side of me stood up and said, “Enough. We’re letting go and walking away now. There was potential for friendship, but now you’re being harmed too much. It’s time to go.” So I wept and didn’t sleep and took a homeopathic remedy to help kickstart and support the grieving process and voila, the next evening I slept well and woke up to this stunning moon as a reminder of how many beautiful healthy elements there are around me.”It’s not a new chapter, it’s a whole new book,” I said to myself as I woke up feeling relieved and awakened from a situation that was weighing me down more than I realised.

Maderas Beach

I hopped out of bed, told myself my cold was moving quickly and a beach meditation session was calling me. I walked down to the beach searching for monkeys that must’ve been feasting in other parts further afield. I flicked off my sandals and felt the warm, firm sand between my toes. My beloved dog friend Columba came bounding after me. The sight of her excitement as she ran towards me filled my heart with even more joy and I thought to myself, “Today is such a great day. I feel alive.” I told her we could go for a walk first so she didn’t have to wait for my meditation session to be over. She showed me that was a ridiculous idea by walking me over to my meditation rock. She did her routine bird chasing, I guess she thinks they interrupt my meditation. When her job was complete, she settled in the usual place behind me to protect what she has marked my sacred place from the birds, other dogs and people. I love her beyond words. Her presence in my meditation sessions will certainly mark her to be a human in the next life.

My meditation session had a different energy to it this time. It was more authentic. Effortless in fact, I was attuned to everything around me, my past and the current moment. I felt a rush of energy come through me as I purged out the lifelong toxicity that has reappeared in my life this week and expelled it into the ocean waves to be created into something beautiful. Today it was waves for the herds of surfers that have come for Easter week. I floated above the toxicity that poured from me. I said to myself, “That’s in the past, that will stay there,” and then proceeded to call positive energy, people and events into my life. I said my mantras, thanked the Buddhas for all of their energy and teachings and turned around to find Columba chatting to some people. When she saw me stand up, she bounced her way towards me and asked if we were going home or for a walk.

Guarding our sacred space

I had an urge to feel the sea around my ankles and so we walked. I watched her joy as she chased birds and let it seep into me, I observed my beautiful surroundings and soaked up the fact I was the only person on the beach. Columba followed me home and I watered and fed her. They’re changing the roof on one of the cabanas here, so there is a large amount of men here and she sat and guarded them while I answered text messages from my European friends. You see, I called on them for support and recharging and they have flourished me with love. I realised that this past year, I have mostly been calling on toxicity when there is an endless amount of love around me. I will tune into this love from now on and I can not wait to see where life is going to take me. When Columba lies down to sleep, she knows I will sit on the floor and stroke her with infinite love, gratefulness and appreciation until she’s had enough and signals she wants to be left alone to sleep. I cherish these intimate moments between us.

Feeling at home

Today I started a new book (not literally, but that’s to come). I am excited! I know there will still be challenges, but this time there will be no drama, there will be minimal pain and there will be a renewed sense of excitement, awareness and happiness with each start of the day, no matter what is happening. As the Dalai Lama said, “Today I am fortunate to be alive. I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others…” I’ve been saying this full quote every morning for three months now and it’s finally sunk in. Now my job is to overflow with positivity and be patient to see what abundance comes my way.

A night of ecstatic dance

Let me set the scene….After a long drive up a steep dirt and rocky winding mountain road, you appear to enter a different country. An armed security guard wearing a bullet proof vest asks you for ID so he can write down the details. There are lush green gardens with an abundance of fruit and vegetables on the left side and luxurious A-framed thatch palm roof huts on the right. It’s known to be a farm to table resort which focuses on organic food and wellness activities. We walk through a maze of stairs and eventually make it to the ocean view hut, where the dance will take place. I’m with an English friend who seems to be on the same vibe as me, so I feel safe trying out this new event with her.

Let me back up a moment. Ten minutes before I had to leave, I thought it was a good idea to apply for a job. I realised the process was too involved and if I wanted any chance of a response, I would have to do this another day. By this point, I didn’t have time to change before my friend came to pick me up, so I was wearing cut off jean shorts and a tank top. Not really the appropriate clothing for ecstatic dance, but hey ho. I knew I wouldn’t be judged for what I was wearing, so I let it be.

When we arrive, there are a few people in the studio, plus the DJ and hostess, who I know from my weekly Kundalini yoga sessions. There are a couple of shirtless men doing flips and Capoeira type dancing. In walk three beautiful women with long flowing hair wearing flowy skirts with high slits and very little on top. They embrace the other people in the studio with long hugs. Two of the women have markers and are painting everyone as a way to “create activation.” She is instantly drawn to my knees, which is hilarious because I’ve had a few negative comments about them from ex-boyfriends, which have created an insecurity I’m trying to work through. She makes them pretty with her art, issue instantly resolved for the evening.

The music stops and the hostess speaks. She turns it over to a special guest who after a brief introduction, leads us into a breath exercise where we place our heel against our genitals and writhe forward like snakes as we inhale, squeeze the “bunghole” (I giggle) and release as we sink back and exhale. There’s a sound with each inhale and exhale and we’re encouraged to let go and make whatever sound we want. It was intense and beautiful and I felt a shift of energy moving inside of me. I loved it. Then the music started. I took my spot in the back and rested in child’s pose. I occasionally glanced up to see the women writhing on the floor, rolling this way and that as their skirts made beautiful shapes around them. They looked so powerful, strong and sensual. As the music continued, their bodies became intertwined and in pairs, they took turns rolling and writhing around each other. It was a beautiful dance. It looked like some of them had danced together before and others I knew had just met, yet it all seemed so real and natural.

I moved my body as it wanted. It was stiff and guarded wondering what this new experience was all about and not sure how it was going to go. I avoided eye contact with everyone in hopes that I would be left alone. The more comfortable I felt, the more I would be able to let the music flow through me so I could relax and release. My movements were subtle and guarded, but I was enjoying the energy and being in a non-judgmental space. As I sat with my eyes closed, focusing on the rhythm of the music, I was distracted by people jumping around. I opened my eyes and a realisation suddenly hit me. I have been drawn to these kinds of people recently. They are safe. They are non-judgmental. They are authentic and they are accepting of themselves and others. Who wouldn’t want to be around people like that? Unless you’re too afraid to let go and discover your true authentic self.

I stood up and danced once again to the back of the room. I saw the sweatiest of all the men come towards me, so I closed my eyes, turned around and danced to my own rhythm. Clearly I had an inkling of openness to the experience as he came over and grabbed my hands. “Fuck,” was my initial thought. “Just roll with it,” was my second. I did the later. I knew I could’ve said no and he would be ok. To be honest I did want to say no, but I think a part of me wanted to see if I could open up further. “There is no right or wrong way to dance,” he told me. Then he proceeded to teach me how to dance (so I guess there is a wrong or right way)! He taught me how to dance with hands, no hands, how to do some lifts and then he gave up, probably because I wasn’t relaxing. I wasn’t there to connect with others intimately. I was there to use their energy to help me connect with myself. We thanked each other and I happily went back to a yoga mat to lie down and retreat back into myself. I observed the others to absorb their energy, light and confidence. I discovered who was wearing underwear and who wasn’t. I was envious of the girl who took her net top off to just be wearing nipple stickers. I want to feel that comfortable and free within my own body. What a beautiful thing.

It may sound like a sexual experience and indeed two of the girls said they felt “Orgasmic” after the initial breathing exercise, but it was anything but that. The guy who danced with me didn’t have a hard on, and trust me, he was sticking his groin all around me. This was after writhing with the other girls who had clearly been doing this for a long time. It was authentic. They were using the breath and the music to cleanse themselves, to free themselves, to be their true self. It was a beautiful experience to be a part of.

I find myself being gravitated towards these types of people the more sober I become. Authentic people. People who only need life experiences to feel high and happy. It specifically stated this was a substance free event and no one looked high. Why does society have to put a negative connotation on people of this mindset? It’s so authentic and sincere and I felt absolutely privileged to be invited, accepted and welcomed into their space. After all, why wouldn’t they? They accept each and every individual for who they are. What beautiful beings we should all strive to be like.

Anyone know where I can buy some nipple stickers???

An Artist’s Intimacy

“Can I read your book now?” No

“So when can I read your book then?” When it’s finished and published!

This is a post to educate people who may not realise how intimate these questions are. I get asked this every time I say that I’m writing a book. Quite frankly, it’s rude! I don’t mind if another writer asks to read my book to sincerely offer their editing/proofreading skills, but to ask to read a book before it’s finished and for no other reason than selfish curiousity is quite rude. Would you ask someone if you could sniff their dirty underwear? I thought not! Consider it the same level of grotesqueness when asking someone who is working on a story, a painting, a script, a song, a film or any other creative project they are developing and nurturing from their heart, if you can see it before they are finsihed. If they want you to see it, they will ask!

Why is it rude you ask? Firstly, to create something that comes from the heart and/or from the deepest parts of our soul makes us vulnerable. When I first started writing the book, tons of memories, good and bad flooded into the forefront and I wrote whatever was whizzing through my mind. That draft is long gone, the very personal and intimate details that gave me a much needed cathartic experience have been deleted into the ether, never to be read by anyone. I had people ask me to read it at that point, “Hell no!!” was my answer. I was at my most vulnerable and some of the sentences were beautifully structured, coming from my heart, others were raw with pure emotion revealing my ugliest self. It would’ve been like reading my diary. I decide who gets to read that information. Do you ask your friends to read their diary?

Secondly, as I mentioned before, developing a creative project exposes vulnerability. The amount of self doubt I fight off on a daily basis is exhausting. I occasionally go to a writer’s group here in Nicaragua and on two occassions, I read three or four paragraphs of what I have written. Last week I read out the first page of the book and as soon as I finsihed it, said, “Sorry, that’s really shit. It was way worse before I edited it. I clearly still have a lot to work to.” I may have been imagining the disappointment in their faces, but it doesn’t matter because I felt too exposed. The self-doubt told me I was an impostor for trying to create this story with the intention that one day other people will read it. The other writers reassured me we are our own worse critic and that it was a good beginning. The self-doubt repeated, “They’re liars,” over and over again while they gave me constructive and positive feedback. I feel ok being vulnerable with them because they also write and are creators and they have the same processes I do. To expose my vulnerability to outsiders is something I have to work up to. I will be submitting proposals to literary agents, that will be soul destroying enough, I don’t need lay people telling me that it’s shit or that I should change things.

The moral of the story is that every single human on this Earth has the ability to be creative. We all do. It’s just that very few of us are able to tap into it for one reason or another. So all I ask of you is to please, step back and think before you ask to read or look at someone’s creative project. When they are ready, they will reveal. Before they are ready, they are most likely fighting a battle inside their heads that is challenging enough to deal with. Just let that process flow and when we’re ready, we’ll walk down the streets advertising our work.

If you don’t want to sniff my dirty underwear (especially now that I’m in a very hot Nicaragua), please don’t ask to read my book until it’s published. Better yet, if you really want to support me, instead of asking for a free copy, please buy it. Just like all artists, I’m putting all of my blood, sweat tears, ugly parts, beautiful parts and vulnerable parts out for the world to see, the least any creator can ask is to be appreciated.

Mother nature’s striptease

On the new moon, I went to a beautiful place on a neighbouring hill. There was a new moon meditation guided by a French Canadian woman who has not long returned to the area to escape the Canadian winter. It’s called Todo Bien and All Good is what it was. The three of us sat on a circular wooden deck overlooking the jungle and sea below. The sun set 20 minutes into our meditation, so the meditation started with a beautiful reflection off the water as Ms Sunshine got ready to dip in for the night. I felt like a guest in a beautiful jungle kingdom. We were at the top of the trees, so although there were some surrounding the space, when we laid down, we had a full view of the blue sky above us. The meditation guide’s voice was soft, soothing and calming. The sounds of the howler monkeys in the distance, the birds near and far and the protective barks of her dog was our playlist. The meditation focused on being present within our bodies. I noticed mine was a bit restless, but mostly to the distractions of nature and the peaceful silence that was engulfing me.

I kept my eyes open to watch the sun dive down into the sea. It’s been my habit to offer gratitude at every sunset and old habits die hard, so my mind wandered off topic for a bit. I came back to the sound of Sophie’s voice and allowed it to take me back into my body. After the sun disappeared for the evening, I laid down on my back. My eyes popped back open with anticipation because I was afraid I would miss out on the beauty of the “after sunset.” I’ve been following Michael Singer, who says that we should we look at each activity with a child’s eyes, as if we hadn’t seen it before. This I was certainly doing.

As my eyes opened, I saw the twinkle of the first star in my vision. It was like a feather boa tickling me, enticing me to carry on watching the show. My eyes wandered off in excitement to be the first to discover the stars making their dull appearance in a still blue, but darker blue sky. I was so grateful to have that space, that view and to be privy to the intimate show of mother nature undressing for the evening. Most of the time when I’m on the open sea, I try to be awake for dawn and dusk. I find it such a magical time and here I was enjoying it on top of a mountain, perhaps for the first time. It sure felt like it was the first time.

She plays a beautiful game. At first she only offers a few dull twinkles, little teases in the sky for what’s to come next. Then as the sun gets lower, more and more dull twinkles appear and my mind starts playing tricks. Have they just appeared or have they been there and I only just noticed? Of course they are always there, it’s just when she takes away the light that you can see them. Sophie instructs us to sit back up and when I do, I keep my eyes open and see the beautiful dusk colours. Orange, yellow, red, purple all enmeshed into one. I look up and see the stars. This is why it’s so magical. She’s revealing both sides of herself, a tease of both the day and night. It’s like when a woman wearing sexy lingerie begins to disrobe for her lover. She is elegant, sexy and still hiding her most intimate bits. The orange, yellow, red and purples became more intense and a dark blue joined the party.

I continue watching the sky as I am guided by Sophie’s voice and words and the magical “OM’s” the three of us say in a beautiful energetically connected tone. The twinkles become brighter, familiar constellations become visible and I feel so at one with everything and everyone that is in that space. A smile appears on my face and I am brought back to night watches on the sea. I re-focus my attention to the present as here too, the energy is beautiful and pure.

The meditation ends and we sit in a comfortable balance between silence and chatting. We all look at the sky with wonder and gratitude. Mother Nature has fully disrobed now, only the twinkle of her nipple tassels keeping her modesty. She is showing her sexy and intimate parts in the most romantic way. I was privileged enough to watch the whole elegant and classy burlesque routine. I have been fortunate enough to see this show countless times on the open sea, in various countries and on numerous beaches. Each show leaves me feeling incredibly humble, incredibly human and incredibly welcoming and accepting of Mother Nature and all of us in it. Mother Nature certainly wins the award for the most magical, elegant and classy burlesque show of all time.

The Butterfly Path

2014 Admiring butterflies in Mexico

As is standard in this part of the world, the wifi had gone down and I was supposed to meet a friend. I saw one of my neighbour’s outside, so I went over to ask him if his wifi was down. He said, “Yep, it sure is, along with the other house.” All of the sudden my phone started pinging. “Oh! It’s back up,” I said, ” You’re magic. I just had to ask you and it started working.” We both laughed and had the usual introduction chit chat.

We started talking about the local beach and he told me another path to get there. “There are butterflies and so many trees and it’s just really beautiful and tranquilo.” He had me at butterflies. They are one of my favourite things in nature. I find them fascinating, so elegant and so delicate.

The next day I went down the path and it was surreal! With every step I took, the butterflies flew out with curiosity and surrounded me. They were all different colours and sizes and all so, so beautiful. My eyes focused on each butterfly, soaking in their individual beauty. I gasped. I spotted my all time favourite butterfly. I first saw them when I was anchored in a jungle town in Panama. I couldn’t believe it! The memories of the hikes I did with Captain Cool and all of the ups and downs of those times flooded in front of me. I paused, my face softened and I breathed deeply. This is EXACTLY where I’m supposed to be right now. CC and I saw these gorgeous large purple-blue butterflies all along the path of our daily hike in Portobello bay. I used to stop and wait for them to stop flying so that I could see their wings and take a photo. Of course they rarely did and when they eventually landed, they would close their wings and hide their inner beauty. I never got a photo, but the image of them has popped up in my head whenever I’ve seen a butterfly since.

A boat butterfly from my Panama/Colombia days

And now they are here. It’s a sign. I told Captain Cool I saw those butterflies here and he said, “Wow, that’s a sign that you are in the right place.” I wasn’t the only one who thought that.

Today I walked along the same path. One of the neighbour’s dogs has adopted me, so as I started on the path, he ran ahead of me and scared off most of the butterflies before I had a chance to be surrounded by their magic. It didn’t matter, there were still quite a few flying around. My gaze was diverted to a large movement of a tree branch. I looked up to see a family of howler monkeys in the trees. “I mean, was this for real?” I thought to myself. It was magical. There was even a baby and mum monkey and they were both looking at me. I felt so connected to nature, to the ground, to my environment and to myself. It felt so comforting and so real. The dog came back to find out why I had stopped. He looked up where I was looking and started to bark. The monkeys started to howl and I opened my mouth in a howl of laughter. Another memory of Portobello popped up… I walked further along down the hill, turned around and looked up. I had a panoramic view of the monkeys. I raised my arms up, smiled and gave myself a hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I shouted out loud to the universe. With a grin from ear to ear, I carried on the path to the beach, saying my usual “Buenos dias,” to the guy in the surf shack. At the beach, I stripped down to my suit and did my daily ritual of wave jumping. This time with much more energy and zest for life.

A howler monkey

Seeing butterflies is a symbolism of change, transformation, renewal and rebirth. This is what CC meant when he said, “you’re exactly where you need to be.” He was a large part of my previous change and transformation and now nearly six years later, it’s time for another one. I have been in a cocoon for quite some time and I’m preparing to emerge as a butterfly. I promise that I will fly and show you the beauty of my inner wings.

Breathing deeply

Ometepe as seen six years ago

As the plane glided closer to the runway, I could see “Nicaragua” written in white flowers. I breathed in the bright colours of the houses, roof tops and rides of the amusement park. Hold on, I breathed. Deeply. A wave of relief and calm surged through my body. The sensation was so overwhelmingly strong, that I started crying. I made it. I’m here! Two months of planning, organising, stressing and overcoming obstacles which made it very difficult to get here, and I was finally here. I knew there would be a taxi waiting for me with my name on a sign and I knew that he would take me to a house that was clean and organised, and most importantly ALL MINE.

Luis is waiting with a big smile for me and I return his grin, so happy and so relieved. I’m almost there. The taxi ride is 2.5 hours away and as we leave the airport, I soak in familiar sights. I was last here six years ago and it was one of my favourite countries along my travels. The people are helpful, genuine and have some of the most sincere smiles I have ever come across. Happy memories flooded back about the people I met, the dancing I did, oh the dancing I did! It’s where I learned how to dance properly and I practiced every night. I was in love with life! I breathed in the piles of rubbish being burned and the tropical air. I closed my eyes, I was breathing. Deeply. I smiled.

Dancing the night away six years ago

We approach my new home and I was in awe of how beautiful the lit up grounds were. I was expecting something a bit basic and run down. I get out of the car and as I’m searching for money to pay the driver, the caretaker and Luis take my bags from the boot of the car and deliver them inside. I stand back and smile. Ahhh…a country where I don’t have to lift a finger if I don’t want to. Yes, this is what I need right now. I step inside and my jaw drops. I was not planning on living in luxury and I certainly didn’t pay a luxury price. I fall in love with the place. It is beautifully and carefully built with good quality and love. It’s much bigger than I expected and my terrace/living room is just perfect. Luis and the caretaker made sure I was alright and left. I stood in MY place and breathed. Deeply. I listened to the new sounds and could hear the ocean crashing on the shore. The third body of water I had been to in the last month. I was going to be at this one for a while. I breathed even deeper.

View from my new home

Around five in the morning, I woke up to the strangest sound. I sat up in bed and then fell back laughing. Howler monkeys! I had completely forgotten. They have the loudest howl for such a tiny creature. I spent half an hour trying to record them so I could send it to my friends and family. I was too excited to fall back asleep. When dawn started to break, I went to the terrace and looked out over the sea. I had to pinch myself. I breathed in. Deeply. I smiled. I realised I was still breathing deeply 12 hours later.

I suffered a trauma just over three years ago. It doesn’t matter what it was and I’m not sure I will ever share it publicly. It changed me immensely and not for the better. I had stopped breathing. After making one too many stupid choices which had damaging consequences, I was suddenly smacked in the face with a realisation I had been denying for quite some time. I’m actually not ok. I didn’t survive it unscathed and most terrifyingly, I loathe the person I’ve become since then. The longer I avoid dealing with it, the less I know who I am. The amount of times I looked in the mirror and with shame said, “Who are you and what are you doing?” was one too many.

Six years ago when a friend and I hitched a ride. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship that lasts to the present.

I am here to sit with the pain of the trauma and the consequences of my actions subsequently. If I keep running away from the pain, I will never make better choices and be happy. I am here to learn how to breathe again. I am here to rediscover myself because I miss her so much it hurts. I am not interested in socialising or surfing or travelling or working. I am here to do what I NEED to do to heal. There is no one here to invade my space or zap my energy. I get to close the door behind me and lock it. I get to turn off my phone and shut out the world. I get to heal. For the first time since it happened, I have my own space and the time to heal. I am tired of hurting myself, I’m tired of hurting others, I’m tired of being unhappy and I’m just tired of being tired and empty. I am here to claim my space back in the world, because for too long I have been sharing it with people who took over my space without asking. Breath is such an important element in healing both emotionally and physically. I know I’m on the right path because I have been breathing deeply for the last four days. Finally. It feels so good. Ahhhh……

Note: I am intending to write my blog more regularly as writing has been therapeutic to me from a young age. I make no promises about how often or what the content will be. I just feel ready to share my journey in whatever form that takes. Thank you for taking the time to read it and any and all comments are always welcome.

Daily gorgeous sunsets included.

Nica life

Granada, Nicaragua

For those of you who have been following me for a while, you’ll know that six years I gave up everything in search of a life I wanted instead of one that society imposed on me. My journey started in Mexico on the 2nd of October 2014 and I instantly fell in love with the Latino culture. The further south I went, the more connected I felt to the people, culture and land. I stayed in Colombia/Panama on a sailboat for nearly two years and since leaving there, have felt like a piece of me was missing. I’ve only been here five days, but I feel whole already.

The famous question, “What’s it like there?” People are even more curious now as the pandemic has forced people to be homebound and forced to live life vicariously. I have chosen to be one you can live life through.

The climate: Perfect! I’m on the Pacific coast and the temperature is amazing. I even get chilly at night when it is cloudy and windy. It is a dry heat, around 82F/31C, very sunny and a beautiful offshore wind. I’m in jungle territory, so there is lots of green as the rainy season has just ended.

The land: Beautiful and mostly untouched. There are quite a few surf camps and upmarket hotels dotted around the hills, but they are hidden within the trees, so it feels very isolated. The beach is surreal. There are massive rocks just offshore that make for a rugged and unspoiled coast line. There are three beach shacks that add character and provide nourishment for the hoards of surfers. The majority are locals as tourism has died here. They are out of work, so are using the time to perfect their surfing techniques and tans.

The food: Local, organic and arrives to my little palace in food trucks twice a week! It’s amazing, I only have to walk out of my house and there is a wide range of fruits, vegetables, eggs and chicken at my doorstop. Yes, the chickens are already dead and plucked 😉 The fruit and veg are seasonal, so I know that I’m getting produce from not only the country, but the area I’m in. I haven’t found the fishermen yet, but when I do, yum! Rice and beans are their staple diet and actually, I like it too!

The sounds: I’m happily awoken by howler monkeys at 5 am, unless the wind is blowing in the opposite direction. The bird songs are plentiful and varied. There are crickets at night and when it rains on my tin roof, I feel comforted and at home. A similar feeling to being tucked up in front of the fireplace on a cold evening. When it’s high tide, I hear the waves crashing along the rocky shore. Sometimes it’s really loud and I fall asleep to it. I fall asleep very early as the sun sets around 5.30 and I don’t want to socialise.

My neighbourhood: It consists of three houses, mostly with foreigners, but they are social during the day and quiet in the evening. I enjoy sitting back listening to them converse while I hide in my tower. I will join when I’m ready. I am up on a hill, although it feels like Mt Everest when I’m walking back from the beach. I will get stronger! The beach is a 10 minute walk away down a bumpy, holey dirt road. I love it. I love being so disconnected and away from it all. I don’t watch the news, so I live happily in this bubble.

My neighbourhood. Houses hidden by trees!

The service: The machoism in Latin America is second to none! I walk around being eyed up as an object. I don’t mind as long as they keep their distance and remain respectful, which has been my experience thus far. I haven’t carried a bag, if I have a problem in the house, Adonay is there in 2 minutes with a smile to sort it out. I even have Rosa, the cleaning lady once a week, who is beautiful and full of energy. She probably doesn’t like that I’m home, but I enjoy having a chat with her about our lives. It feels very luxurious to have a cleaner and I was uncomfortable by it until I realised it’s their income and the locals are being supported. After all, I’ve been cleaning boats for the last four years, I think I deserve to have a little break! Win win for all.

I am grateful for this space, this culture and this beauty. I’m grateful that my journey has brought me here to a beautiful place that oozes an environment where recharging and rediscovery can occur. It’s basic, it’s considered a third world country and I am without many of the luxurious foods of olive oil at a reasonable price, non-alcoholic beer and cheese, but I have more than I ever could have asked for. After all, those are just things that can easily be given or taken. I am more than happy to enjoy life with exactly what’s in front of me and nothing more.