20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Excuse my silence over the last six months. I’ve been 20,000 leagues under the sea and I’m just now starting to see the light of the surface. I’m swimming towards it as fast as I can, but sometimes I get tired and pause. Many times over the last six months I put my fingers to the keyboard and the words flowed off of my fingertips. Before I could finish, the monsters at the bottom of the sea snatched the creativity from my mind. I’m left with half finished blogs that will give me a good start when the creative juices start flowing again.

Maybe one day I will write what it was about and how it felt. For now, there’s a hurricane in my head and I have to wait for it to pass so I can assess and process the damage.  Some people have commented they like my blog because I write about real things. Not just the world being great. Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t anything wrong with blogs like that as we all need a pick me up now and again. However, I’m practising being impeccable to my word and so I will talk about a balance of enlightening and challenging life events. That’s real. We’re human. We all struggle. What’s wrong with sharing our troubles with other humans, friends or strangers, to see if our words and experiences can lift up someone else? There is no shame in that.

Being 20,000 leagues under the sea has not been easy or pretty. However, I discovered new deep sea monsters, many of which were scary, some supportive who helped bring me closer to the surface and some who made me laugh with their never before seen fishy features. I learned a lot on how to deal with the scary creatures and appreciate the kind and humorous ones.  I am seeing this period as a time of self re-creation, for I am on a completely different path to what I had “planned,” and you know what? That’s ok. I am being patient and I am observing the world around me and waiting to catch the opportunity when it arises.

As I come closer to the light, I see that I will need to pause a bit. Just like deep divers who need to stay at a certain depth to avoid getting the deep sea bends. I just discovered that I’ve been accepted on a 36 day intensive Tibetan Budddhist retreat in the mountains in Nepal. No internet, no non-Dharma books, no talking until after lunch, no one close to me to reach out to when I think I’m going to fall. I will learn to be independent and swim back to the surface myself. More importantly, it will be the start of my journey to make sure I do not sink so deep into the sea ever again.  If we have the right tools, there is no need to sink so far, if at all.

I write this as I’m sailing away from Greece towards Cyprus. I’m on a delivery job that has just been extended and suits me fine. I am not very happy in Palma de Mallorca, I have no idea how to start my dream of teaching yoga due to resource challenges, my partner is away for work for the summer and who knows what will happen over that time and I have this huge negative storm over me that just won’t go away. As with the weather at sea, it will blow over at some point. I will just put my foul weather gear on, sit under an umbrella and patiently wait for the rainbow to appear. I can see a break in the clouds…

Advertisements

Life isn’t really so hard

IMG_1786

The photos in this blog are of a beautiful sunset in El Toro, Mallorca which is where the boat (my office) will be for the winter. I’m facing various events that are challenging me to the max and testing my strength. As I’m constantly working towards a peaceful life, I’m working hard to find and focus on the beauty of life.  There is so much beauty that’s easy to ignore when I’m caught up in my own stuff. Amidst a heated discussion, I noticed a seagull standing on a sheep which made me laugh and gave me a minute to pause and calm down. Most of the crew are complaining that we’re so far out of town and I’ve chosen to focus on the benefits of being so far from town because I have no control over it. My post work sunset walk with these views is the beauty of my days. 

IMG_1787

Yesterday when I took these photos I had a particularly difficult day and when I saw the magic in this place I thought to myself, “Life can be so hard but so beautiful.” Then I had a revelation that actually, life isn’t hard. Life is how we perceive it. The not so easy times teach us important lessons about life and who we are and introduce us to people and new ideas of how to live life. What is difficult about that?? It’s beautiful.

IMG_1788

I went up to the ridge to watch the sunset and empty out my tear ducts in peace. When I bumped into one of my fellow crew members, instead of being upset that he crashed my pity party, I put a big smile on my face and walked along with him. We ended up exploring a maze of old underground military tunnels which I never would’ve done alone cause who would do that alone at dusk?!?! It was so fun and we giggled with scared excitement as we got deeper within the tunnels. We squeezed our way out through a narrow little window, both grateful we hadn’t yet changed out of our work uniforms, and went our separate ways. The sun was a huge half ball of orange at this point so I was still able to watch part of the sunset. I reflected on my day and remembered what I read in my yoga scriptures, that we should be grateful not only for the good times but the bad times too. So I gave thanks for the difficult day I had, the lessons it taught me and the beautiful things that it put in front of me.  Yes, my pity party was ruined and I was so happy it was. I was able to receive the message that life is beautiful and rewarding whether there’s a smile on my face or tears rolling down my cheeks. 

 

 

 

That scary C word…Commitment

IMG_1588

“Go check out the sky now,” Captain Suave calmly said as I walked past him. We had watched the sun sink into the sea with a green halo about 50 minutes earlier. I went up to the cockpit and the horizon just above the sea was a deep red topped with various shades of purple and orange. It was like a seven layered desert for the eyes. I was alone and just smiled as I admired the beautifully painted sky. The nearly half moon was chasing the sun and there was a foggy halo making it look bigger than it was. I closed my eyes and breathed the beauty throughout my whole body.

 

The sailing lifestyle provides the privilege of watching all types of beautiful sunsets. Some last for minutes and others last for over an hour, like the one that night. There was a wispy cloud over the sun as it was swallowed by the sea that changed from orange to yellow to pink. When the sun disappeared, I turned to the East and the sky was even more gorgeous than the setting of the sun in the West. The cotton candy clouds were scattered all over the sky, each of them with a different shade of pink. They reflected on the deep blue sea and turned it into a purpley pink colour. I love when the sea does that. On a good sunrise and sunset it always dyes the sea this beautiful shade. During long passages, like the one we just completed from Cyprus to Mallorca, I have the privilege of seeing that twice a day.

 IMG_1589

I was so grateful for this sunset. Mother Nature knows exactly what I need to help me get things in perspective.

 

There was a reason for my long break in writing. My head was very busy sorting things out and figuring out what the best path was. I decided that Captain Dink’s energy was too damaging for my soul and I couldn’t take it. I left there and went sailing with a friend from Corsica to France to clear my head and be ready for a new plan. It was so refreshing being a guest on a sailboat instead of having to serve them….Then I made a quick decision to go back to England where I spent a week getting love, comfort and support from my family of friends and to take some sailing courses which challenged me to the max.

 

I was feeling exhausted, drained and hopeless. I of course knew everything would work out because it always does, but I was ready for that to happen sooner than later. I had stayed in contact with Captain Suave, the Captain of the boat I crossed the Atlantic with, and I asked him if he knew of anyone looking for crew.  The timing was perfect as one of his crew sadly had to take emergency leave to deal with a family matter and there was still a boat full of guests.  Turns out they needed a temporary replacement. I finished my sailing course on Saturday evening and flew out to Kalamata, Greece at 7 am on Sunday morning.

 IMG_0671

It was a great homecoming. The crew were excited to see me again, as I was them. There were screams of excitement, hugs, champagne and fine bottles of wine. We danced and drunk the night away. It felt like I had come home and it was incredible.

 

The novelty wore off, challenging crew dynamics started as they usually do when you live and work with people 24-7 with little sleep. Some of the crew were giving off negative energy and in a crew of five to six, it only takes a tiny bit of toxin to poison the environment. In the beginning, we had guests on board so getting off to land wasn’t an option.  The owner told us he had bought too much wine and we could help ourselves. At a 100 Euros a pop, the hangovers don’t appear. I started getting lost in the bottles and moved away from yoga and from my connection with the universe. I wasn’t happy about it, but the bottle had been my go to for a long time and sometimes it’s hard to stay away. I spoke to one of my best friends who told me not to worry, we’re always on a path for a reason.  I’ll snap out of it when I’m ready. She was right.

 

Then Captain Suave gave me the opportunity to work on the boat over the winter in Palma. That’s like five months of commitment… Excuse me while I get my running shoes. I started looking at job posts and seeing if there were better options. Of course they aren’t. CS is a brilliant Captain. He’s been sailing for years and not only understands everything about the wind, but knows how to explain it to me in a way that I understand. He periodically tests me on it so I remember or he can find a new way of explaining it if I don’t get it. He loves to teach people who are eager to learn and I’m eager to learn all there is. The boat will be on the dock all winter, which of course doesn’t appeal to me, but I’ll be learning new things every day and if one of the crew leave, I have a good chance for a permanent job (I’ve just tied those running shoes tight!).

 IMG_1591

As much as it scares me, I’m welcoming a bit of stability. I unpacked my stuff into the cabin which will be my home until April/May. I smiled as I did it thinking how good it felt to be at home. I’m in the same cabin I slept in during the Atlantic crossing. There is so much storage space and I have such little belongings that I’m having fun moving things around until I find the perfect place for everything. Or maybe that will just be my constant moving until we start sailing again!

 

I don’t like Palma for many reasons and the last lag of our Mediterranean crossing went way too fast for my liking because I really didn’t ever want to arrive (unless it was to dump the negative energy and carry on…), but I’m going to embrace the stability. I’m going to sober up and get back into a yoga and healthy eating routine and maybe even teach some yoga.  I’m going to connect with friends I made when I was here before and make some new ones.  Many times the places we don’t want to be are the places that teach us the most. I am open to receive whatever the universe has in store for me in this new chapter. Now excuse me while I take off my running shoes and put on my flip flops. I can still run, just not as fast or comfortably….   

Twenty years later…

IMG_9112 

Twenty years ago, a second or a millimetre could have ended my life. I remember the incident like it was yesterday. I was watching my Mom break the ends off of beans when one of my best friends called asking if I wanted to go for a drive. At the time we thought we were so smart, but I’m sure my parents noticed the heavy scent of perfume hiding a faint smell of cigarettes whenever I returned. Or the quick “Hi Mom, Hi Dad!” as I ran upstairs to change my clothes before acting like I was an angel.

 

I waited for her to pick me up and we did our usual country road run. There were five of us in total, I was sat behind the driver’s seat. As we came up over a hill, I said, “Look! There’s Amy!” who at the time was a friend of mine and not such a friend of the driver’s. She asked me, “Where?” but by the time she looked, we were going down the hill and the symmetric rows of beautiful green corn stalks were obscuring her vision.  We came to a T in the road. It’s a country road after all, no one drives on here! We were distracting her and as she wasn’t expecting a car, yielded and the next thing I remember is waking up in absolute agony.

 

The two girls in the front turned around looking shocked. I could hear them talking amongst themselves, but the pain was so intense all I could do was scream and beg for them to help me. I tried to move and couldn’t. I started panicking. I asked the girl next to me if she was ok, she was crying and asking what happened. I wanted to get out, but the window was smashed and the door was bent into my side. I couldn’t move my legs. I asked the driver to get me out. She tried pulling up on my shoulder’s (obviously forgot the first aid we were taught!!) and I screamed in pain telling her to stop. I lost consciousness. I woke up vaguely when they were taking the girl next to me out. I remember because she was screaming and I didn’t want the same fate. I heard the Emergency services talking to me but I could barely respond. I don’t remember being taken out of the car and for that I’m grateful.

 

I woke up in the ambulance with an oxygen mask on my face. The EMT was telling me that he was sorry, but they had to do a full body examination which meant cutting off my clothes. I was just worried I would never walk again. I asked him if I was paralysed. He told me to move my toe. I couldn’t feel it, I started panicking. He assured me that my toe was moving and I would walk again (to this day I don’t know if that was a lie!). I was in and out of consciousness during the ambulance ride. I remember the sirens, I remember bumps in the road, I remember the comforting voices and touch of the staff that were in the ambulance with me.

 

I had lost a part of my memory as I thought that my parents were still on holiday although I had been at home with them half an hour before.  I called my sister and told her what happened. Meanwhile my poor parents received a call from the police saying there had been an accident and they didn’t know which hospital I went to. I’m sure they suffered the same gravity of emotional turmoil that I was experiencing physically. All I remember in the hospital was my sister’s scared and concerned face, nice nurses, a horrible Doctor who was yelling at me to stop screaming, being lifted from one bed to the next, the pain, the agony, please give me something, “No we can’t. We don’t know the extent of your injuries yet.” Drifting in and out of consciousness, the bright lights, the dark x-ray rooms, the relief when the pain medication was administered, the comfort of my Mother’s hand and the reassurance of my Dad’s voice…

 

The Doctor told me I was lucky. I had broken my pelvis in three places, my sacrum in two and punctured my bladder. No paralysis and they expected a full recovery, albeit with complications in later life (starting from my 40’s). He said if I was wearing a seatbelt, chances are I would not have made it out alive…

 

I think anyone hearing they have essentially escaped death has a deep and profound reaction. I was only 18 at the time and thought I was invincible. Well, I was!! I escaped death!! So I went crazier than I already was. Still disobeying my parents, who were changing their lifestyle to cope with caring for someone who couldn’t walk for six weeks. Disobeying Doctor’s orders. Of course I can walk! I’m only 18, I heal fast, I’m invincible. It can’t be any worse. I went to University only seven short weeks later. I was still on crutches and had to ask for my bed to be on the floor because I couldn’t climb up the stairs of the traditional loft bed. I went on a path of self-destruction that luckily never ended in destruction as much as I tried. I have always been surrounded by immense love from my family and beautiful caring friends. They always rescued me before I went too far.

 

Then the complications started… But I was only 27, please no! At one point it got so bad I could only walk 20 meters before I would stop to rest, often crying with frustration. I was living in England at the time and after waiting months and months for specialists through the NHS, my then boyfriend decided it was time to buy private health insurance in an attempt to try and ease my constant pain. I couldn’t sleep, I was popping prescription pain killers like they were sweets, taking valium as much as I could without gathering suspicion from Doctors and my personality had totally changed. What’s the point of living if I have the body of a 90 year old? I started to accept this was how I was going to be and that I could either spend the rest of my life being upset or fight and find a way to make life worth living whether I had pain or not.

 

That I did! Luckily the private health insurance got me in touch with top specialists who discovered the problem in a month and after a few months of treatment, I was able to walk long distances again. It wasn’t only until then that I really valued my legs, the freedom to walk, to move and to get things when I want. I can’t say I was exceptionally lazy before this point, but I’m the first one to get up and offer something and unless I’m ill, I don’t like to ask anyone to do or get things for me. I know first hand the ability to move is a gift given to us that can just as easily be taken away. This is something I never forget and at the end of my yoga practice, I always hug my knees into my chest and kiss my knees saying thank you. I may not have the perfect body, but it’s a body that allows me to move and dance and jump and feel good. To me, that’s a perfect body. Funny enough, since I started doing yoga regularly, any of the residual pain I had is gone. It only comes back if I don’t practice for a few days. Maybe the NHS should refer patients to yoga while they wait for specialists!

 

As I sit here writing this twenty years on, I know that I didn’t put that seatbelt on for a reason (other than I would’ve looked like the biggest loser ev-a). I was meant to be here and subconsciously, maybe that’s why I’ve always made ‘crazy’ or what I like to call, alternative, life choices. I move countries a lot, I travel often, I have had numerous romantic relationships and I change things if I’m not happy. This incident often pops up in my mind when I’m facing a struggle. I think, “Is it worth it?” Tomorrow something could happen that could end my life or drastically change it. This could make someone live in fear or live life to the fullest. I chose the latter because life is meant to be lived, is it not? I just want to make sure I experience as much of it as I can before I go, and what a hell of a ride it has been so far!

 

I am grateful for this day and each year I celebrate it. I’m grateful we all made it out alive, I’m grateful we are all able to walk and I’m grateful that it taught me how to live as though each day could be my last.

A bit of yoga magic

IMG_9999

Well that was really interesting. I wrote my previous blog as we were cruising down the river. To be honest, Captain Dink was making comments throughout that writing which were really irritating me and helping give me some practice to repeat my newfound mantra over and over.

 

CD asked me to take over steering so that he could phone a marina. I’ve been steering nearly every day for the last two weeks so I’m not a novice. I haven’t driven down a river since I was a child and of course the rules are very different to sea rules, but there are some things that are common sense and related.  Anyway, we were going down river in a very fast current. I was steering rather well, or so I thought. Of course I was going a bit drunk like because it was the first time I had been in current so strong in this boat, but there were no other boats so I was ok. CD puts the phone down and says, “Jesus Christ! What have you been doing? You’re going to turn the boat sideways and then we’re going to lose all control and crash into the riverbank.” I found this quite dramatic since at no point was I steering the boat any more than 20 degrees off to one side. He came barrelling over, grabbed the wheel from my hand and corrected us, or should I say overcorrected us with his unnecessary panic.

IMG_0075

I calmly said that I was doing what he taught me to do yesterday and that if there was a new technique, can he please show me with patience as I’m still learning. I said there was no need to swear. His response was that he never swears and when I said, “Jesus Christ,” he said, “That’s not a swear word.” I remained silent. Then the cook/stew came up and sat next to me. I started telling her how I read the oven manual and am now an expert in Miele ovens so I will show her what I learned. I was looking straight ahead and not at her. At the same time I saw a huge barge coming in the other direction, CD said in a very angry aggressive tone, “Ok. Now there’s a big barge coming…” He didn’t finish because I interrupted him and said that he makes me very nervous when I’m driving because he has to comment on every little thing I do or don’t do. He started arguing with me saying that if he can’t say anything to me, there’s no point in me driving. I explained calmly (for I still had my yoga glow going) that he can simply say, “Do you see the boat coming?” or tell me to move to a different side of the river. I was already as far over as I could be, so really there was no need to panic and talk aggressively.

 

He stood up and said, “Ok, I’m going to take over.” I replied, “As you wish.” I sat for a few minutes and then explained to him that I may never have been a river barge driver before, but I worked on charters where I was steering in a busy channel with 15 people around asking me questions. I said I can see a big barge coming my way because I am paying attention as I was looking forward, not at who I was talking to. I told him that he is very aggressive when he tells me things and that it’s unnecessary. Before he could say anything, I said, “And I know you’re going to say you’re not aggressive, but you are.” Then I finished by saying, “or since this job is for only two more months, maybe I should just shut my mouth and deal with it.”

 IMG_9752

Captain Dink remained in silence for hours, only talking when necessary during a manoeuvre.

 

I was starting to feel quite bad about my conversation and internalised it thinking maybe it’s me that just needs to chill out. That’s his personality so instead of trying to change it, I should just keep on working on ways to deflect negative energy. He’s not coming to me as a psychologist, so I should just keep my opinion to myself and find my own way of managing his at times very disrespectful behaviour. I quickly negated that thinking because actually he treats everyone that way and it would help him make friends if he could see his own behaviour.

 

Then the weirdest thing happened. When I asked him if he wanted the line on the port or starboard side, he paused a while then said, “Sorry, I had to think a minute which side was which.” I smiled and stopped myself from hugging him. That was the first time he had ever shown any vulnerability. It got weirder… He asked us what we were doing for dinner. If we were going to eat out or eat in. I said, “I don’t know, what do you think?” He said very timidly with a slight smile, “Oh no! Don’t do that. Answer a question with a question.” I laughed and said, “I said I don’t know first, isn’t that an answer?” He smiled and we all had a discussion about what we wanted to do.  The cook/stew and I exchanged a surprised glance. For the first time in a week, we all ate dinner together. For the first time since we started working together, we had a conversation where he didn’t one up the story and he actually asked questions. If I didn’t believe in yoga before, I sure do now!!

 IMG_0065[1]

CD asked us if we wanted to go for a drink that evening. I was waiting for a phone call and on the laptop with my Dad trying to recover my external hard drive which suddenly became unreadable (and has 12 years of photos). I said that I would just finish up what I was doing and I would be ready to go.  With a sad look, he said he would go there and sit by himself. The boat was parked on the same dock as the restaurant so he went down and shouted up to us, “Hey, if I’m not back by midnight, just toss a blanket down!” He looked so vulnerable and nervous. I explained to my Dad that I would really like to go so maybe we could do the recovery later.  At the same time I was writing that message, I received the expected phone call. I had a quick chat and went to the bar with the cook/stew to meet him.

 

The three of us had a nice evening together. He was still sharing his stories, but they had a different light to them. He was listening to our stories and asking questions. He was even bent over with laughter at one point. Any guilty feelings I had disappeared. This is exactly what life is about. Sometimes people are so lost they don’t know how to, or can’t, ask for help. Some don’t want it and it’s not worth the energy. That’s ok, eventually they will find their way. But as human beings, it’s our responsibility to stand up for our right to be treated with respect, show kindness to others no matter how they treat us and give some people a different perspective that may just help make bring some more peace to their lives.  

A yoga experiment

IMG_9736

 

I’ve been reading and meditating on an ancient scripture I still can’t spell, despite looking at it every day, called Vasistha’s Yoga (at least I think that’s the spelling, I’m too lazy to get up and check it). When I used to ask my Mom about things that were told to us in Church or Religious Education that I didn’t believe, she would sometimes say that it was in the Bible if I wanted to read it. I tried once because my sister was reading it, but I didn’t understand the language and found it boring so I just gave up!

 

Vasistha’s Yoga has become my Bible. I refer to it when I have questions about the yogic way of living.  The more I read, the more questions I have and funny enough, they’re all slowly starting to get answered the further along I get in the book. This is quite a round about introduction to a question I have right now.  How not to let other people’s negativity effect me.  I have some friends and loved ones who don’t seem to get rattled by such people and yet sometimes a touch from a very negative person can set me off balance and change my mood for the whole day, or every time they’re in my presence.  If you ever wondered why I want to live on the sea- I mean in the middle of the sea – that is the main reason why.

 

Let me explain my current situation.  In laymen’s terms, the Captain of this boat is a complete and total dickhead. In yogic terms, he is one of two types of lost souls.  One that is far away from reaching enlightenment with a heap of bad karma to work through or a soul in the middle where with patience and some guidance, he may find a lighter path.  I haven’t been around him long enough to see which one he is, but as a yogi, it is my place to give him a chance.  

 IMG_0054

I have done my psychoanalysis on him (Captain Cool was right, I can never stop being a psychologist) which has led me to believe that his behaviour is a result of a certain life that is quite sad and I could try to show some empathy. Sometimes I can feel empathy in my heart and my kindness is genuine.  The other 98% of the time, I have to take a deep breath before I go up with a smile on my face and say in a kind voice, “Would you like a cup of coffee?” Because what I would really like to say is, “Fuck you. You think we’re your maids you can treat like shit. Get your own damn coffee.” I then receive a response of “yes please” or no with the same droned on boring explanation that never changes.  I speedily make my way downstairs to do an eye roll to the cook or just to myself if she’s not around. If I have to make the coffee, numerous thoughts of spitting in it or putting in other unpleasant things go through my mind. Then the yogi steps in and reminds me we’re all on a path, some have it more difficult than others and the only way forward is to treat everyone with kindness or ignore them as the Scriptures of Putanjali suggest.

 

Sadly I can’t ignore him because he’s my boss. He is bullying the cook/stew, part of which includes giving me certain privileges she doesn’t have (which I don’t do once I discover them) and it just makes for a terrible environment. I often feel like I’m in middle school and have to change my strategy on a daily basis in order to stay sane and out of the middle of this nonsense behaviour. They spent two days not talking to each other. Yesterday I had a conversation with the cook about how people like him don’t have fuel when people are kind to them or just reply ok without discussion. I guess it worked because today she said good morning to him.

 IMG_0019

I’m using the yoga scriptures to find a way to protect myself from this negative energy that I seem to have been ultra sensitive to since I can remember. I’ve seen a few shamans who have all told me that I hold other people’s negative energy and they see it inside of me. Sadly they haven’t told me how to get rid of it. I guess that means I have to discover it for myself. *sigh* I suspect my stomach problems are partially related to it as well since I seem to be able to eat more things without getting pins and needles when I’m in a good environment. As you can guess, I’m not only battling with how to manage the behaviour of Captain Dink, I’m also having to manage my stomach which as I write this, is in agony. Luckily the cook is very caring and wants to help so she is making me what I request. Sadly this means she cooks three separate meals because she wants something with more flavour than what I can eat and she doesn’t want to eat the processed food that Captain Dink eats. She’s a saint.

 

I keep digressing, how unusual… Anyway, I’ve wondered how people can become enlightened and still live in this world because people are annoying. Not everyone, but there are always some people in our paths who press buttons. Put simply, Vasistha says that the soul is contained in a physical body with a mental capsule and it will react how it wants to through laughters, tears and anger. Yes my readers, that means that even enlightened people show emotion and get irritated! The basis is that in the soul nothing is changed, the soul remains grounded and knows that this will pass and that indeed nothing is reality. We are just creating reality ourselves so why bother staying in any state whether it’s pleasant or unpleasant?

 

The other morning during my delightful two hour yoga and mediation practice, I pondered this notion of protecting myself because I want to run from this boat. Actually I’m seriously thinking about going back to Colombia and working with Captain Cool again. The money is half the amount, but so is the work and I get to spend time with someone who I am discovering is not only a soulmate, but one of the truest loves I’ve ever had in this life. However, I do have a tendency to run when things get difficult, as you may have noticed. People say life isn’t meant to be fun, well, I disagree with that so if I’m unhappy, I change my circumstances. Sure new challenges come up, but look at my life!! I wouldn’t change a thing.

 IMG_9763

Back to the point… While I was in a focused state, an image of a white ball with pointy rays of light emerged from my chest and I felt so strong and so free. I imagined this ball encapsulating me and that the white rays were radiating positive energy, kindness and love to those who were willing to receive it.  The pointy bits burst all of the negative energy so it couldn’t touch my heart. With a somewhat quiet mind, I focused on this imagery and when a thought about Captain Dink popped up, I would use the white light to poke the negative energy and replace it with positive energy. I felt great. I felt like I was ready to face the demon!

 

Half an hour later that feeling was washed down the river when he shouted at me with impatience to take off a line I was trying to take off, but was stuck on the dock and the boat was too far for me to jump off without swimming to clear it. *sigh* Oh well. I found a new strategy so I guess it will take some practice to get it working.

 

This job is only until the middle or end of September so really I shouldn’t run from this. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very intense living with such a heavy ball of negative energy 24-7.  But I can use this as a lesson because there are always people who pop my chilled yoga bubble and quite frankly, I’m tired of giving other people so much power. It’s time to take the power back and use my energy to radiate positivity and kindness instead of using it to fight off negativity. Wish me luck…

 

    

 

No need to panic, the sea is here..

IMG_9544

I quickly stripped down to my bikini and ran towards the sea. Despite living and working on boats, it’s actually quite rare I’ve had the chance to go swimming. The last time was weeks ago when we were anchored in Sardinia and we had a couple of days to prepare the boat before the owners came. I welcomed the cool touch of the sea on my legs as it refreshed me of the intense heat of the day. I walked until it was deep enough for me to dive into a wave and wash away all the stress, all the negativity and all of the things that were no longer serving me. As the wave washed over me, I smiled under the water and started feeling free. I dumped the negative energy into the sea knowing that it would be swept away into the endless cleansing motion of the sea and after that, it was my choice if I wanted to pick it up again.

 

It didn’t work out with my ‘dream job’ and so I quit, quite abruptly but with a huge sense of relief that I didn’t have to spend my summer as a slave. When I told friends, they asked with worry if I was ok and I would always smile. Yes! I mean, don’t get me wrong when your job is also your home and you have three hours to sort out a new place to live, it can be quite intense, but I am a survivor and I have been in this situation before so I am well rehearsed.  

 

I spent a good half hour swimming and floating on my back looking at the rough and ragged rocky edge of the cove. I was by myself in the water and enjoyed the time I had with my true love.  I took in deep breaths filled with love, peace and hope knowing that all will be ok as long as I keep breathing and trusting.

 

I reluctantly walked back to my towel where my hours old friends were sitting. I sat down with a smile and told them how refreshing it was. I leaned back and as they chatted away in Spanish, I stared out towards the sea. There was good wind so there was a plethora of sailboats with their sails full of air sailing away in the distance. I suddenly felt a deep wave of sadness, panic and disappointment that I was on the ‘other side’ looking in. The crazy monkey in my brain was telling me I was missing out, that I will never find a job and that I should just give up this stupid dream of mine to live on the sea. As quickly as those thoughts and feelings popped up, I quickly calmed the monkey. For as I said above, it is my choice to pick up the negativity. I didn’t want to for there is no need.

 

I reminded myself to enjoy the moment. I have an unknown number of days off in a row, something I haven’t had in four months. In fact, I hadn’t had two consecutive days off in the last four months and when I get a new job, it will be the same. So why stress about the future when there is a now to enjoy? I laid back, closed my eyes and took a deep breath in as I smiled and vowed to allow myself these moments of panic, but to always come back to the present. I started to tune into the Spanish conversation and took advantage of the present moment by engaging in the conversation so I could practice my Spanish. From time to time, my gaze would wander to those beautiful sailboats moving with nature.  I smiled knowing that I will get back on one, when the time is right and when I have experienced exactly what I’m supposed to experience right now.

 IMG_9549

The future is unknown, but I will be exactly where I’m supposed to be when I’m supposed to be there. That’s all that matters.