Confused and metaphorically homeless…

Oh here we go again. The Chinese calendar says this is my lucky year, I know it’s not over and maybe I have to go through a lot of shit first to find it, but so far they lied. 

Apparently captains just want someone to have sex with or a pretty face to watch in the kitchen. I want neither. I will help in the kitchen, but I can also sail and want to be above deck too. This recent one wants a relationship and is a little frustrated I don’t. Therefore he is helpfully finding other options for me to take. How nice. What happened to just enjoying someone’s company because they have the same interests? 

Then my ‘friend’ went all apeshit on me because the man she is in love with (and who is sailing with her) is interested in me. I didn’t realise that was my problem. At least it provided 10 minutes of entertainment for my neighbours on the dock as she stormed back and forth and loudly professed how he was clearly having a sex dream about me and what a naive, stupid little child I am. By the way, all men just want to have sex with me and I shouldn’t trust anyone. I guess it was good she professed that so at least my neighbours know I know and hopefully won’t try anything. Or at least they will understand when I run screaming and crying if they do!

All jokes aside, I’ve been in a pretty lonely place for quite some months and I’m getting pretty tired of it. CC and I started growing apart and wanting different things in life. I had no friends there and as CC said when I left, he didn’t understand why his friends never seemed to warm up to me. He has his theories, really I don’t care, it just would’ve been nice if it was different, but it wasn’t. 

I felt lost and lonely in Jamaica and was so relieved when I discovered my friends were in Mexico and better yet, that they knew a nice guy to sail with. Well, that happiness lasted two days and it all seemed to fall apart. 

I still talk to CC and have aired my sadnesses and frustrations with him. More honestly than I do with anyone else. I realised and actually said to him that if he changed one thing, I would come back. I was met by silence and that says everything. It also means that the one place I could call home, him, is no longer home. My love for him is not worth the change. I accept it, but it doesn’t mean that my heart hasn’t shattered into a million pieces. It’s ok, it’s happened before, it just really hurts before it gets better. 

I have a family and I love them very much. Unfortunately we are very different people and where they live is the last place I would want to live on this earth, so that isn’t my home. I have amazing friends in London, but don’t have a home and I’m at the end of my funds so could only afford to stay in a cockroach ridden hostel for a week before that ends. I guess summer is coming soon, I can live in a cardboard box…. My grandma’s house was my happy place, but she is gone and her house is not in the family. My new happy place was with CC. Well, I have no happy place now either. 

I’ve never not had one. I don’t even have a cabin with a door to lock myself in and cry. I have been judged and misunderstood quite frequently recently, I don’t understand why. If people don’t understand me, they should just leave me alone.  It is too much and although I am fighting to keep my head above water and stand up for the person I am proud to be, I get tired and sometimes my head goes under. I have no one underneath to push me back up. I am tired. I want to rest in a safe place. Maybe I am wanting too much. 

After captain America left to have some drinks, I sat on the deck looking at the night sky. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I hugged my knees and asked the universe to please help me. I don’t even know what that would be. What I want doesn’t seem available, so I will just hold my hands up and grab anything that seems reasonable. 

I think I need to give up sea life for a while which upsets me greatly. I have little money so when things go wrong, I will soon be stuck. I can’t seem to find a paying job on a boat and living life as a sailing escort doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I need to return to land and work to save money for my own boat. It’s easy to get a cheap one these days, I shouldn’t have to be a landlubber for long. Then I have no captains to worry about. I am one and I can go where I want with who I want. CC tried to talk me out of it because he knows my love for the sea. I said I’m just tired. I have no support and I am running out of money. I will be miserable on land, but I am miserable here. Unfortunately the world works on money and I need some. 

I have friends afar, all on a different time zone which makes it hard because they are sleeping when I need some encouragement. Today my dearest friend sent me a voice message (I love whatsapp) without even knowing what was going on, but saying exactly what I needed to hear to stay fighting for today. She said good things will come to me because I am a genuine person. Today I don’t believe the bit about good things, but to hear someone who I know loves me so much say that I’m genuine pushed my head back up above the water. I know that, it’s just that people who have only just met me have been very quick to judge who I am and I allowed them to pull me under. I am lucky to have such great friends. 

In fact, she’s been trying to convince me to move to Kenya where she is. She has a job for me. Maybe I need to let her win. I’m not looking forward to living on land again, but after 1.5 years of not having any friends, it would feel pretty damn good to get weekly hugs from a great person who just understands me. 

Who knows. Feeling lost and lonely is also confusing and I have to think really carefully and intelligently about my next move because if it doesn’t include a salary, I could be stuck. 

For now, I have no home, no happy or safe place, no friends to have a chat and a tea with. I have little money and I have little faith in the human race as a whole. I also know that I have people all over the world who love me dearly and are cheering for me. It’s these people who are helping me hang on until I can find the right path. Sometimes we have to lose everything and get totally lost before we find a good journey. Today it’s hard, but I have faith. I hope tomorrow I will have the strength to hold on tight and ride this wave. Just taking each moment as it comes, because really, that’s all we have. 

Escape from the man with no toothbrush 

  

I’m at the same airport that tried to stop me from entering Jamaica just 12 days ago. I knew that was a sign, but kept optimistic. It feels like a lot longer than 12 days. More like 12 weeks. It was tense being around Captain Wealthy (and I had to plug my nose when we were in close proximity) and I managed to make some friends and do a lot in the short time I was there. 

I thought I could do it, but after CW refused to pay the rent (which was 10 days late) when the landlord needed it to help his sick girlfriend in hospital, I realised this was no human and definitely not the type of sailor I want to make a crossing with. I stood up for the landlord while raising my voice a bit, and when CW said it wasn’t his problem, I knew he wouldn’t have my back. That’s too great a risk to take. I told him hours later I was leaving. 

CW took the news surprisingly well. I was quite proud of my reason, “We are very different people who have different interests and different ways of viewing life. If I’m going to make the crossing, I want it to be with people who have similar interests.” This is how my previous job comes in handy. I am an expert in saying, “You’re a dick who’s presence revolts me and I think you’re less than human,” in a nice way. Maybe I should advertise this service to make up for the very expensive plane ticket he was supposed to reimburse me and didn’t…

He even said it would be a pleasure to work charters with me if I wanted to meet him in Ibiza. Oh, but that I must come with an instruction manual because I am a complicated woman. I guess not wanting to have sex with a fat old man who doesn’t own a toothbrush or use soap when he showers and not chasing after his money makes me complicated. That’s cool. I met another captain his age who said I was a dream and asked God why he couldn’t have met me before he got married to his wife who doesn’t like sailing. 

  

Anyway, I am leaving him behind and counting it as the times when life isn’t perfect. I met some people in Jamaica who touched my heart and made me feel very loved. I have happy memories and know there was a purpose to this diversion. I met some more great people who made my life richer and I will add them to the treasures of my soul. 

  

I am now off to sail with a man who’s name starts with H, just like Captain Cool. Leaving Jamaica was smoother (if you don’t count my flip flop breaking when I was carrying my 100 pounds worth of baggage. My Dad always told me never to pack more than I could carry, thank goodness I am strong and healthy!!) and I feel less nervous then when I left CC. All good signs. I guess it helps I am leaving poo instead of gold, but even so. 

I’m not even that disappointed I don’t get to cross the Atlantic just yet. News flash!! There are always people crossing and my life isn’t over yet. Last night I got a ride to Kingston from the manager of the marina. Let me tell you, it was so refreshing talking about life from a true sailor’s point of view. He said, “Every single little thing that has happened in your life has brought you to be sitting in this car with me right now. And everything after today is where you’re supposed to be after that.” I have this same view which is why I don’t have regrets and why I have a lifestyle people judge as crazy, reckless, childish or other inaccurate terms to describe a free spirit. 

  

As the plane builds up speed to take off, I allow the force of gravity to push me back into the seat, I close my eyes and allow the smile to creep on my face as my whole body relaxes. For I am once again travelling. I am a gypsy by nature, happiest when I am on the move and experiencing new adventures. Mexico will be my fourth country in a month. I am living my dream life, not because I’m lucky, but because I work with life to allow it to happen.

Leaving a pot of gold

img_5172-1 The trouble with starting with gold is that everything else seems so dull afterwards. Listening to other female sailors, I knew that I struck gold with CC. When I showed an enthusiasm to learn, he showed an enthusiasm to teach me everything about sailing, from manoeuvres, maintenance, electrics, engine works and more.  I was an equal and not seen as a vagina who should stay in the kitchen.

Personality wise, CC was very easy to live with. He made me feel like the boat was my home immediately, he respected my space and privacy, always made sure I was fed (it’s part of the deal!), taught me how to use the dinghy so I had my freedom and as we have the same philosophy in life, he engaged in great conversation. Most importantly we seemed to know when the other one needed quiet and respected it.

Captain Wealthy is none of these things. I dread the evenings because it means that I have to hear him talk about money, stupid people (who is everyone), how women are always out for money, sex and racist and sexist comments. I have nothing to contribute. Well, I have a lot, but I think it will fall on deaf ears and would rather not waste my energy.

CW is overweight, smokes 40+ cigarettes a day and has very unhealthy eating habits. In fact, it’s clearly a large problem for him that I need to eat. You see the deal is, he pays for all expenses and I help him with his boat. So far, he is getting a bargain…

The second night I was here, we went out for dinner and were invited to a party that started at 1 a.m. He asked what I thought and I said my bed was calling me. He said ok, chatted in Italian with people for over an hour, while I sat there searching for toothpicks to keep my eyes open.

After this, I thought we were going home, but no, he takes me in the car to another club and says that it’s Saturday, we have to do something. Never mind what I think, it’s all about him. He insults people and makes racist comments about the locals. I just want to hide in a corner. Well, more accurately, I wanted to go to bed.

Then I am called a square because I don’t want to dye my hair bright red. He started this after I had enough of his shit and he kept pouring wine in my glass despite saying I didn’t want any. It’s like he’s trying to control me, ask my parents, that never worked. The harder they tried, the harder their life became.

My internet connection doesn’t allow me to connect with friends outside of wifi and the lack of privacy in the flat doesn’t allow for me to cry, which is usually how I cope with things before getting the strength to sort things out. I went back to the flat angry, frustrated, desperate and utterly alone. I just wanted to speak to CC and I couldn’t.

So, I turned to my beliefs and thought what would a yogi do? I vowed to wake up and do a very spiritual practice to help give me guidance. I woke up at the usual early 5.00 because when I can’t see outside, my body is all confused and won’t sleep. I went outside and it was raining. I wanted to shed water too. Instead I took it as an opportunity to read some of my yoga scriptures. I read about how the mind is more powerful than the body and if the mind is in the right frame, it can take enormous amounts of pain. Something I knew, but needed reminding. I applied it to my situation of wanting to be positive.

I asked Mother Nature to please hold off on the rain for a bit so I could do my practice and meditate on the scriptures. 15 minutes later, she listened and I climbed up to the roof. I sat and meditated asking for what I needed and allowing a mantra to come to me for my practice. The words ‘strength’ and ‘positivity’ came to me. With each exhale I said strength and each exhale positivity.

This was probably the most powerful yoga practice I’ve ever had in my life. For I really want this. I really want to see the good in the captain and sail across the Atlantic enjoying it, not always trying to avoid someone. I want to stop letting the negativity of other people creep into me and eat at my soul. I am very good at this and I know people who don’t do this and I admire them.

I imagined my barrier that I use to protect myself from negative energy when I teach. I visualised CW’s negativity and anger being deflected. I visualised my passion for life and everything in it, emanating to him. I vowed this was the day that I stop letting other people’s negative energy contaminate mine.

You know something? It worked. I bounced to the dry dock energetically greeting the workers on the boat. CW seemed less angry, I set some boundaries to make my life more pleasant. We went out to dinner together and I enjoyed the conversation. He made one sexist comment, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. He taught me about the sails and how the boat runs and how things will work when we cross. I was engaged and in the moment.

I spoke to my best friend who sympathetically listened about my struggle to adjust. She said, “You have to stay on the boat, it is great writing material.” She has a lot of the yoga philosophy in her and she reminded me this is a small part of my journey. She gave me the best title a book could have, so it’s given me motivation!

I believe that life is too short to waste. When I’m in a situation that makes me unhappy, I do one of two things; change it or learn/grow from it. Maybe this opportunity will make an author of me, maybe I will finally learn how to manage other people’s energies, or maybe I will meet someone along the path who changes my life. I don’t know and it’s not important right now. All I know is that the universe pushed me here and I need to hold out a little longer to find out what the lesson is.

With this new found strength and the support of yoga, I had a great day. My first day that was better than awful since I arrived. I laughed at the cute little goats running around, made friends with the marina staff and finally after one long week, was back on the deck of a boat gazing at the stars. I felt close to the sea (we’re on the dry dock), nature and CC and remembered that there is so much joy in life.

Life will always bring squalls that shake us up a bit and require us to wear our wet weather gear for protection. Sometimes it even throws us overboard. It’s ok to lose yourself for a while. Just remember that life has many boats to climb back on so you can once again peacefully sail off into the sunset.

 

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Photo: San Blas from the plane

I miss CC with all my heart. I am grateful for finding this pot of gold and having the incredible year we had together. I am grateful for the strength it created to allow me to take this opportunity. An opportunity I’m not going to waste. For I wouldn’t only be letting myself down if I didn’t cross the Atlantic, I would be letting down a very important man in my life.

I know I will have days where I go back to thinking I should leave and that’s ok. I will remind myself it’s just a squall that will pass and the calm will return once again.

Entrance to Jamaica 

  

“Just for once, trust da black!” said Carlinton as he pointed to his skin and laughed. I had been smiling but stopped and said, “It’s not the first time I’ve trusted a black person.” He laughed as if I told a joke. He had just helped me find a way to get my luggage to me without being ripped off. I was expressing my gratitude as we were sharing the sweets I brought from Colombia. 

I have not had a positive start to Jamaica. Immigration gave me a hard time because I didn’t have an address and the marina said my boat didn’t exist. That’s fair enough, but then to call me a child for not having a written contract to show them (these things are sparse in the sailor world!) and for going to a new country without the full name of my captain or even having met him, was a bit much. Adding insult to injury, I was accused of holding back the information and lying to them, when I made it clear I needed wifi access to gain the information and gave it to them when I could. I was told I was close to being sent back to where I came from. I did nothing wrong but cooperate and remain polite even when I was being judged for the “irresponsibility” of my job and life choice. It’s a cultural thing, I understand. I also understand the sailor’s way of life is difficult to understand if you’re not in it. You live your life, I will live mine and we don’t really need to judge the other’s.  

Then my bags didn’t arrive because I was given the wrong information in Panama City. A nice man said he could help me tomorrow and took my baggage ticket. I wrote down the numbers, but as he wasn’t wearing an airline uniform, wondered if he was legit (I have since found out he is). When I called to ask for help, it was no one’s fault and I had to make the eight hour round trip or Collin kindly offered to take them half way for $100, which is ridiculous. 

After an afternoon of being told no one could help me other than to deliver my bags halfway for a ridiculous price, I decided I would just wait until we went home and I could speak to Carlynton. He had helped me yesterday and was very patient and helpful. I told him the story and he said it was bullshit, the guy knew I wanted my stuff and he wanted to make money. He said most Jamaicans are out to get money and will take advantage how they can.

I have to admit, I am absolutely shocked by the way blacks are treated by white people in Jamaica. And vice versa. I am still trying to process what I have experienced in my very short time here. 

My new captain comes from a high class society and has a lot of money. I don’t understand this world, but that’s another story. He throws money at people to do thing he doesn’t like. He hired Carlinton to help out with the boat and anything he needs while he is here. In fact, he drove to the airport to pick me up. I was not introduced to him and Stefano did not even acknowledge his presence. When we got to the apartment, Carlinton stayed around until he was dismissed and then asked what time he was needed the next day. The first thing that popped into my head was slavery.
  
Then we met some other sailors and they had hired a local man too. He was once again treated as if he didn’t exist, but he is older so had the respect for himself to introduce himself to me. Both Moses and Carlinton walk behind or far in front of us and sit on the side and wait until they are called. It reminded me of the behaviour of dogs, yet they are humans. 

When I was at the bar watching Moses sit to the side waiting for orders, I couldn’t decide who was more at fault. The Jamaicans for allowing white people to treat them like shit or the whites for being so cruel and continuing to be afraid of non-whites. I just couldn’t believe that the Jamaicans allowed themselves to be treated this way in their own country. I suppose as Carlinton said, many Jamaicans are always out to make a buck. 

I told Carlinton he was my friend and of course I trusted him, because quite frankly, he’s the only person who listens to me and doesn’t boss me around. We are both underlings of Captain Rich, it’s just that I am treated with more respect because of my skin colour. The first day we were out alone, I sped up or slowed down to walk next to him. As he stood off to the side waiting for orders I was never going to give him, I stepped closer and asked about his life and Jamaica. He seemed shy and uneasy at first, but today is only the second day and he now understands I see him as a nice human being, not someone that I order around. Of course I ask him for things because he is local, but I use his name, smile and say thank you. 

Latin America was one of the most friendly and happy countries I have been to. My experience of Jamaica is the total opposite. However, I am not going to change just because people are grumpy. I say hi to shopkeepers and don’t always get a reply. I smiled at the artisan who tried to sell me things today. When he asked why I was laughing, I said your things are beautiful and I like to look, but just so you know, I won’t buy anything. He smiled back and said alright before leaving. Usually it’s an angry glance leaving me feeling slightly guilty.

Men do not call after me which to be honest, is a relief after a year. Hardly anyone smiles back and despite being one of the 10 white people in the town, it is if I don’t exist. I get it, white people treat locals like shit. 

Just for their information, I am not everyone and I hope others like me will come and hopefully start to change the perception of the white folk. Whilst there is nothing wrong with hiring someone to do things for you, there is everything wrong with not treating them like a human being. I will continue to ask Carlinton questions about his life (he took me to his family’s bar/club work in progress, which was great!) and insist he walk next to me. I will continue to smile and be friendly even though it is not always returned. 

  
Sadly, I know there are consequences and usually it is that people think I am sexually interested in them when I treat them nicely. I don’t, I just like to enjoy life and the people in it. The consequences may come, but I refuse to let the fear of them dictate the way I treat others. We are all humans and we all have rich gifts to offer those who cross our paths. Therefore I will continue to seek out the gifts the people I meet have for me.

My life in two bags 

 

I can’t lie. I completely gloated when I had achieved my challenge of packing everything I owned into two large backpacks. CC didn’t think it was possible, but I am an expert! We got to the airport and they weighed just shy of 41 kilos together. I am proud to say it’s a weight I can carry. What does all of this mean? I am free and I am independent.

Most of what I own is books. That’s what weighs me down, but reading is important to me and my yoga scriptures are sometimes the only support I have, so I won’t abandon them. What means the most to me in life is not anything I can pack into a bag. 

I used to own a two bedroom flat filled with stuff I had bought. Clothes I gave away which still had the price tag on, expensive furniture that was very worn due to my need to move frequently. As much as I love moving, when I had all this stuff, it took ages. This time it took me two hours and that’s because I stopped to help with things on the boat. 

It’s incredibly liberating. Not just because it’s little weight to move when I want to change location, but because I have little possessions. I have no material memories that keep me in the past on a daily basis. I am free to live in the moment and to create a new life, a new future in hours. That is pure freedom. 

I grew up in a society where material possessions were abundant and symbolised status. Luckily my parents were smart with their money and refused to buy me designer jeans just because I was the only person in my class who didn’t have any. I was angry then, but I think it planted a seed about what was really important in life. 

This recent move was the scariest. I have no idea who I will be sailing with or even what Jamaica is like. I had no time to research, I just felt it was right. 

People say I’m brave and strong for my decisions in life because they are often against the norm. I receive messages from friends and acquaintances saying I inspire them and they admire me. I am flattered, but I don’t think I am that special. For on my path, there are many people who share my beliefs and live as I do. I hope our way of life helps people find their peace. 

I am not always so brave. Three days before I left, I had a sobbing “what the hell am I doing?!?” session. I was scared out of my mind. When I’ve moved before, I at least knew someone. I hadn’t heard from the new captain since he left Italy and I was becoming paranoid I would be all alone in Jamaica. I started creating all these horrible scenarios about what would happen. 

CC held me and told me I was the kind of person who deserved and manifested good things, none of these stories would come true. I thanked him and said the rational part of me knows this, I was just all of the sudden overcome with the fear of the complete unknown I was about to walk into. An unknown I know so well because I have done it various times in various ways. Through tears I said I was going to cry for 10 more minutes and then enjoy my last days in paradise. And so I did. 

When you place fear aside and live in the moment, the most incredible things occur. In that sense I am brave because I have never let fear stop me from following a dream. I have let it stop me enjoying my last moments before the change occurred and I am pleased that this time I didn’t. 

I write this as I am on the plane to Jamaica where the new boat and captain are waiting. I am relieved that the captain made an effort to call me to say he was coming to the airport and am filled with joy that CC and I enjoyed many special and happy moments before I start this new and completely unknown chapter in my life. 

To say I’m not incredibly scared would be a lie. Luckily I have a past filled with decisions like this that have given me a life better than I ever could have dreamed of. The butterflies of excitement and adventure are eating away at the monsters of fear. I am free to fall feet first with a heart full of hope and a smile as big as the ocean I am about to cross. 

  

I may have my material life in two bags, but the people and experiences that have touched my heart and made my life so incredible would fill up half the universe. I am so grateful I have the freedom to spend the rest of my life filling up the other half of the universe with new experiences. 

Encounters with dolphins 

  
The sight of a sleek grey form gliding under the water always brings a smile to my face and immediately I shout “Delfines!!!” They come alongside the boat to play with the wake and jump up to see who is on the boat. 
  

Dolphins are truly magnificent animals. Even if you haven’t read about them, one sighting gives away the obvious. They are incredibly intelligent mammals. They have the perfect timing to dive under the boat to the other side without hitting it. They love the bow. I always fear they are going to get the timing wrong and be plowed under and harmed, but they just keep jumping and diving, happy as can be. They seem to know the fishing hook is not their food and leave it alone. 

Three families of dolphins came to wish me farewell on my last Colombia to Panama crossing. I was so happy! We saw two of the families come from afar as they were jumping so high as if to say, “Hello! We’re coming!” This was something I had never seen before. One group was so big I looked all around the boat and there were dolphins jumping on all sides. It was better than national geographic!

We jumped out twice to watch them under the water in their natural environment and wow it was incredible! The grey and white of the dolphins against the deep blue of the open sea is a picture no one could ever capture. The colours don’t exist anywhere else in the world. Watching them spin under water and preparing for jumps is a truly humbling experience. Even better they are not in a park, it’s just pure nature. 

  

This week, we came to Chichime in San Blas and some friends told us that a sick dolphin was in the lagoon and people were feeding her. We went for a look. CC jumped in and told me to go. I didn’t have my swimsuit on so said no. Then I saw the dolphin was letting him touch her and I thought, whatever, this experience is not one to miss.

I pulled off my shorts, put my snorkelling gear on and joined the party. She was cut badly and her eyes looked so tired and sad. She was slowly swimming in circles. CC took my hand to get close. I had never touched a dolphin before and was a bit scared of disrespecting her. I watched CC do it and she didn’t seem to mind, so I gently placed my hand on her back far from the cuts and felt a soft rubber. It was unreal. She swam away and came alongside us. She looked so sad as if she was asking for help. 

  

We saw she wasn’t interested as we had no food, so we went back to the dinghy. As I pulled myself on to the dinghy, CC said, “Look, she’s come back.” I couldn’t see her, so I put my mask on and stuck my head in the water. She came up to me and bounced her nose on the top of my head. I giggled and stuck my leg with my fin out. She came up to it and played with it on her nose. CC told me she was lonely. I said I would stay while he went to get our passengers and search for fish for her. 

And so began the most moving 15 minutes I have ever had with nature. She stayed close for a bit and then swam away. I started swimming towards her, then gave up because I was tired from hours of snorkelling over the past few days. She came up to me again and I placed my hand on her back. She just stayed there and I looked in her eye and told her that we would bring food soon. 

  

She had a pattern of swimming away and then coming back, nose first right up to my face. She kissed my cheek and then swam under me, brushing her back and fin on my stomach as she went away again. One time she came up with her mouth open and although the teeth are slightly dull, I was a bit afraid. I was alone with a truly wild animal, no matter how friendly they are. She seemed to sense my fear so left and tried again. I held my hand out and she opened her mouth again. I moved to her side and she gently put my fin in between her teeth as if tell me, “I’m hungry, can you help?” I told her I was sorry and food was coming soon. 

She seemed to figure out that I had no food and could only offer company. Her dance and time she spent with me became more frequent. All too soon, CC and the passengers came back and interrupted the intimacy we had developed. She went to check them out and sadly as there was no food, she went away, scared off by the new faces. 

I swam towards her and waited. She did her dance again, rubbing her nose along my arms and shoulders. The next time she came back, I held my arms out and she put her head in between my arms and allowed me to embrace her. We embraced for about 10 seconds while I gave her loving and healing energy. She swam off again. 

Luckily another dinghy arrived with a fish. I didn’t feel so bad leaving her as she happily took the fish and swam away to eat in peace. The beautiful thing about the sailing community is that we care not only about each other, but the natural life which makes this way of living so enjoyable. 

  

I have never felt so intimate with nature or life as I did when I was holding that dolphin. We returned the next day with a healthy portion of fish, only to find she had gone. I hope Elsie has taken a turn for the better and swam off feeling better and ready to return to her group!

I am married to the sea

  

After announcing my departure from the Caribbean and Captain Cool, many people asked me, what about CC? Is he coming? Won’t you miss him? Are you going back? My answer is that I am married to the sea and all I know is that there is a lot more of the sea I haven’t seen!

My relationship history has given me a non traditional perspective on relationships. I’m sure my psychology friends would have a field day analysing it and would probably conclude I have a fear of commitment or have yet to get over previous relationships. Fair enough, those are perspectives. I don’t believe any one perspective is right. 

Here is my perspective. I have had amazing boyfriends. They are all great people who treated me well. If they didn’t, I left. That happened one time. You can say my heart has been broken a lot. It has many scars that have healed and made my heart bigger and tougher to love again. 

I still have some scarring to do over the most recent relationship with an amazing guy I would still call the love of my life. It was a dramatic and tough break up and as I was travelling, dealt with it all on my own. However, it was the right thing. I wouldn’t be crossing the Atlantic right now if we were still together. Hell, I would still be in London trying to fight to keep my inner peace!! I won’t speak for his life, but I like to think the end was right for both of us. 

Then I got to thinking, wow, I would still be in London and missing out on all these incredible adventures if I was still with him. Of course I would never know and I’m sure we would have had a fun life, but really, nothing compares to the sea! 
  
I wondered how many times I did things I didn’t necessarily want to do for a relationship. I didn’t even want to think about it, because what’s the point in thinking about negative things I can’t change. Some people do give up things and it’s because they really want the relationship or a family or maybe they don’t know what they want and most societies tell us that’s what we should have, so they do it. That’s fine. We are all different, I am just offering a different perspective. 

I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone. I love being held and loved and kissed and touched in a way that only a romantic person can do. I love being in love! However I don’t believe in marriage. I was married once (albeit for visa reasons but I took it seriously!) and he cheated on me. I was proposed to two other times and they left me. It’s fine, I’m not bitter and I know that at least one of them has a much better life than I ever could have offered because we weren’t right for each other. I simply believe I will have various long term relationships instead of one that lasts forever. 

Who knows, I may be surprised and meet my match and we are forever together, that’s fine. I just hope he never asks to marry me because my friends are right, I am a commitment phobe and that scares me. Not to mention with the divorce rates as they are, does marriage really mean what it used to?!? I would rather take the formality and label out of it and just love someone. I can still have a party (on my sailboat) if we want to celebrate our love with close friends and family. 

The short of the long answer is, of course I will miss CC. We had a non conventional relationship from the start as we both said we weren’t going to put a label on it, it just is what it is and we are free to leave or stay as we desired. I loved that. It really suited me. I feel free. I am not talking about feeling free to shag as many men as I want. I am free to grab the best opportunity life gives me whether it’s near or far from CC. He showed me what true love is. A love that doesn’t have rules and stipulations. I am still me and free to make my own choices!

Needless to say, I am very sad to leave him. I sometimes think I feel so sad because I feel like I’m deserting him. He would love to go on this adventure but circumstances won’t allow it. Maybe they will never allow it. Maybe we will never see each other again. 

That’s ok for me because I am married to the sea and that is where my loyalty is. The sea lets me be free and opens my soul and never talks back. Sure it can treat me nasty and give me challenges, but it gives me the greatest gift in life. To see the world and life for all the good it has to offer. It gives me peace. When I have an internal battle, I turn to the sea to comfort me and it never lets me down. That is something no human being can ever do. 

  
 
I am married to the sea and maybe one day I will have another threesome if the right man comes along. For now, I am grateful to have met CC and to have spent a rollercoaster of a year together. However, it is time for me to sail away and explore more of my new marriage.