It’s all about perspective

“Calling passengers on the Dominica flight to gate 5,” boomed over the loudspeaker as I entered the gate area of the Antigua airport. It was like a knife to the heart. The last time I was here, I was with Captain Smiles, going to Dominica. All of the memories started flooding back and it felt like my heart was being ripped out. I’m flying out the same day he is sailing in because he left me 2.5 weeks ago and didn’t want me to sail with him to Cartagena.

This Buddhism business really works, so I tried to reframe my thinking to something more positive. I was failing miserably and the repeated calling of Dominica brought tears to my eyes. So I resorted to modern distraction techniques and decided to post a photo of San Blas on Instagram, where I’m flying to now. The last photo from there was from nearly 3 years ago, so I had to scroll through my 5000+ photos. Then it hit me.

My St Martin to Aruba to Cartagena sailing trip was replaced with a San Blas to Cartagena sailing trip where some of my friends and family will be meeting me. What the hell am I crying for? Both are great options many people don’t have!

Ok fine. The winter Captain Smiles and I had planned ended as soon as it began, but so what? I’m not actually clinging on to him per se. I’m attached to the idea of the perfect winter I had planned after a completely not perfect time. Even without him, I’ve made the most of Antigua and am glad I came here.

The photos I scrolled through are of various islands and open seas I’ve explored in the last three years. They are of people I have met who brought me great joy for the time I was with them. They are of the Himalayan mountains and other lands some members of my family have never even dreamt of going to. They are photos of my beloved nieces and nephews that my family have sent me while I’ve been off doing these amazing things. What is my problem?

I’ve been taking a deep look into whether or not I want to stay in yachting and I’ve had some interesting conversations with people about it and the underlying message from all of the conversations is this. I’m making my life too hard when there isn’t anything wrong with it.

From a Buddhist standpoint, every living being suffers. I’m suffering because I have become attached to a privileged life, yet the people of Katmandú who are surrounded by filth and disease are also suffering and in a worse way than I am. Yet they don’t cry half as much as I do. They accept where they are. I am sure most of them would happily trade places with me and I guarantee you, they would not cry about the things I do!!

As another girl, who also struggled with the idea of being a stewardess when she’s a strong sailor said, “At least I’m on a boat. I’m part of the team that makes the boat run. I’ve just changed my perspective and am embracing it.”

Captain Smiles left me for the same reason most others have and it’s time I make a sincere and deep change if I ever want the chance of a life long relationship. When I’m single, it’s easier for me to be strong and keep moving forward positively. When I get into a relationship, I feel so relieved that I have someone to support me, that I end up crushing them. That isn’t fair on either of us. The problem is with me. I need to see things for how they are and just chill.

As I start my 4th decade of life (when the hell did that happen?!?!), I am setting my intention to make that change. Whatever issue comes my way will be confronted with a calm and positive manner knowing that it will all be fine. There are no problems, only solutions. I will pause and think with a calm mind because weighing myself or others down will do no good. Until I have successfully accomplished that (knowing I’m human and will make mistakes!), I am going to stay single and enjoy the lessons this journey will bring me. Funny enough, 99% of my ex boyfriends have this attitude and it’s only now I realise they were brought to teach me a lesson!!

Luckily all this happened while I was still in the airport and when I heard the last call for Dominica, I smiled. I had one of the best weeks of my life there and there is no reason to be upset about that. So I text Captain Smiles and said they were calling the Dominica flight and it brought a big smile to my face thinking of the fun we had there. He replied back that it too and always will, make him smile.

P.S. I have decided to stay in yachting and am currently manifesting the “as perfect as it can get” job! But first I’m going to have 15 days of celebrating this wonderful life I’ve been given!

Back to small town living

I love Antigua. Sometimes I don’t, but I’ll get to that later. When I say Antigua, I really mean Falmouth and English harbour because despite being here for 6 weeks now, I’ve only left the harbour to go to the airport.

The smell of weed permeates the tiny town of English harbour. I mean so tiny that the guy who stopped to offer me a lift to the supermarket the fourth day I was here, is the brother of the stewardess that I’ve been working for. I have since seen him literally everywhere I go. Hitchhiking is normal and safe here. It’s so much safer than walking on the narrow curvy potholed roads with drivers who are trying to pass the car in front of them who is already going 900 mph. Which is interesting since most of the population is high all the time.

I live about a 15-20 minute walk outside of the heart of the Harbour, in Marsh Village. It’s a little community of tiny shacks in varying states. It’s amazing. Somehow the walk gets longer every day, says me and everyone else who lives here. To be honest, I’m surprised I’m still whole and alive after the amount of night walks I’ve taken on a sidewalk that stops existing around a blind bend… When I approach the streetlights on the dirt path that leads up to the entrance of the community, they turn off and it becomes pitch black so I can see the beautiful star lit sky. I also think it would be the perfect place to get kidnapped or murdered, but no bother because as soon as I pass, the light flickers back on and I make my way safely up the hill. Don’t worry Mom, it’s safe here. It’s probably the safest area outside of the marinas. And well, there are yachties in the marinas…. 😉

I am lulled to sleep by the sound of tree frogs and sleep peacefully through the night, except the odd occasion when I am woken up by a fellow resident getting lucky or my neighbour hating the world. I said I live in a shack, the walls are like cardboard.

Before I found some work, I would spend the mornings on my porch drinking tea and watching the sea view, while watching the goats graze on the tough chewy grass. I quickly got to know the neighbours and was generally there to say “Have a nice day!” as they went to work and asked how their day was when they got back. Doc, the landlord leaves me coconuts and these mini bananas which are so sweet and delicious. He’s given me permission to take leaves from the sour sop tree every day because it’s a great tasting tea with lots of health benefits. Like avoiding wrinkles and some other important ones that I haven’t paid much attention to. It’s supposed to help with wrinkles…

Through my jobs as a yoga teacher and day working (if you don’t know what that means, I basically do all the shit jobs that permanent yacht crew don’t want to do for a day and get paid a pretty penny for it), I have made many new friends. I use the term loosely as they have no idea what my life has been like. Maybe I should go back to my American roots and call them pals. I am known as the yoga teacher, which is great, because there are quite a few other names I could be known for, but I’ll get to that later.

Whenever I venture into town, it is not long before I run into one of my pals. In fact, it was happening so much one night that I couldn’t actually spend time with the people I had gone out to meet! I am not complaining. It’s great and I’m behaved enough to not have to be afraid to go out the next day. Well except for that one time… (cringe).

People are very friendly here and will always greet you. I’ve made friends with the women who sit outside on their porch at night gossiping about their day. There is a great energy here and if you’re friendly to the locals, they will give you all the time and smiles they have. Some people say Antiguans are grumpy, unfriendly and racist. Well, I haven’t had that experience at all so I guess they need to look at their attitude and how they treat the locals.

Now the part where I don’t like it sometimes… My favourite quote from one of my pals is, “It’s so hard not to be an alcoholic here.” Proven fact. Like myself, there are many people who are casual drinkers outside of this island and when they come here, something happens. It gets boring sometimes. The same few bars, turning away the same local men, the same places to dance at with the same bands and the same playlist week after week. Maybe that’s why they do such heavy pours here. If you drink enough, you don’t remember that it’s the same playlist every week! Seriously, I can normally do just one drink and switch to water, but with their pours, the first drink is really two or sometimes three measures if the bartenders like you.  Therefore, you’re finished before you started. It’s ok because most of the foreigners are exactly in the same state. It’s the next day when I get applauded on the street by the locals for my dance moves and offers of being taken out that it’s the problem…

Anyway, I’ve had a year and a half of learning some good life lessons. Ok, that’s just a nice way to say it’s been a super shit year and a half. Or as my new hilarious American pal said, “Oh my god!!!! I feel like I’m listening to a movie script, but this is your life. Like no one should have to go through that! And you’re even laughing about it!”

Coming here didn’t go as planned since the “boy child,” as another pal refers to him as, checked out of the relationship before I even got here and forgot to tell me. Ooops!! Good thing I invested so much into the relationship. After the night before Valentine’s day break up (classic), I drank myself to oblivion while seeking attention from other men and then I stepped into a dark horrible hole to figure out how I can stop making the same stupid mistakes over and over again.

I’m back in the light and I don’t give a fuck now (excuse the language. It’s needed for effect). I will spend money how I want, not worry or stress about future work and close this heart for business for a wee while because it will all just work out. I’m happy I’m here. I embrace the days I love it by going to the beach and socialising and the days I don’t like it so much, I remind myself of where I am and how fortunate I am to have the life I have. As Buddha said, we’re all suffering in this life, so why not make it the least painful as possible?

Enjoying the present moment

This was written on 26th January 2019

Early this morning I was sitting on the porch of our Dominican airbnb on the old rusty futon sofa all alone, while Captain Smiles slept soundly on the most comfortable bed ever. The gentle rain was bouncing off the lush green vegetation that hides away Birdwatcher’s cottage. The hummingbirds wings buzzed loudly as they flew past me to feed from the sugar water in the bird feeder. I smiled softly to myself and felt relaxed for the first time in a really long time. The rain was a steady waterfall and seemed to wash away past stress and worries leaving my soul clean and refreshed.

I realised I’ve been spending much of the past few months reliving the past or worrying about a nonexistent future. There is always so much beauty around us when we stop to breathe. We have truly been living in the moment in our week here in Nature’s Playground. We’ve driven around the twisty roads lined with scenery that is like a scene from Jurassic Park. We’ve swum in countless waterfalls, hiked up mountains and around myst covered lakes. It’s been so easy to focus on the present moment here, especially since wherever you look, there is so much beauty, it’s impossible to take it all in. The roads are windy and narrow and we both look out for cars, potholes and the edge of the roads where we could drop into the steep rain gutters and never get out!

Most of all, being with Captain Smiles forces me to live in the moment. For various reasons, it’s a relationship that doesn’t have much hope of a long future. I’ve finally figured out how to stop worrying about it and just enjoy being in the relationship for however long it lasts. His warm smile melts my heart, his magical touch sends positive vibes throughout my body and his sense of humour adds more smile lines around my eyes. He is a truly amazing person and I’m just so happy that our paths have joined in this life. Being around him feels safe. Don’t we all crave safety in this life? I can truly be me around him. His actions are genuine, he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, even if I gain a few pounds and don’t like what I see in the mirror. It’s a feeling many women desire and sadly rarely experience.

His outlook on life reminds me to stay in the moment and enjoy every second that passes. I have no idea how long we will travel together until we reach a fork in the road and decide to take the same fork or journey off on our own adventures. It doesn’t matter, for neither of us knows when that will be. For now, I will just keep breathing in the beauty around me and exhaling any stress that comes my way.

Enjoying the present moment

This was written on 26th January 2019

Early this morning I was sitting on the porch of our Dominican airbnb on the old rusty futon sofa all alone, while Captain Smiles slept soundly on the most comfortable bed ever. The gentle rain was bouncing off the lush green vegetation that hides away Birdwatcher’s cottage. The hummingbirds wings buzzed loudly as they flew past me to feed from the sugar water in the bird feeder. I smiled softly to myself and felt relaxed for the first time in a really long time. The rain was a steady waterfall and seemed to wash away past stress and worries leaving my soul clean and refreshed.

I realised I’ve been spending much of the past few months reliving the past or worrying about a nonexistent future. There is always so much beauty around us when we stop to breathe. We have truly been living in the moment in our week here in Nature’s Playground. We’ve driven around the twisty roads lined with scenery that is like a scene from Jurassic Park. We’ve swum in countless waterfalls, hiked up mountains and around myst covered lakes. It’s been so easy to focus on the present moment here, especially since wherever you look, there is so much beauty, it’s impossible to take it all in. The roads are windy and narrow and we both look out for cars, potholes and the edge of the roads where we could drop into the steep rain gutters and never get out!

Most of all, being with Captain Smiles forces me to live in the moment. For various reasons, it’s a relationship that doesn’t have much hope of a long future. I’ve finally figured out how to stop worrying about it and just enjoy being in the relationship for however long it lasts. His warm smile melts my heart, his magical touch sends positive vibes throughout my body and his sense of humour adds more smile lines around my eyes. He is a truly amazing person and I’m just so happy that our paths have joined in this life. Being around him feels safe. Don’t we all crave safety in this life? I can truly be me around him. His actions are genuine, he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, even if I gain a few pounds and don’t like what I see in the mirror. It’s a feeling many women desire and sadly rarely experience.

His outlook on life reminds me to stay in the moment and enjoy every second that passes. I have no idea how long we will travel together until we reach a fork in the road and decide to take the same fork or journey off on our own adventures. It doesn’t matter, for neither of us knows when that will be. For now, I will just keep breathing in the beauty around me and exhaling any stress that comes my way.

Enjoying the peace and quiet

The intense winter sun is heating my face as I sit on a sun soaked terrace towering over Port Adriano, Mallorca. It’s the end of December, but the Mallorcan sun is adding to the warmth and happiness of the vibes flowing throughout my entire body. I am surrounded by quiet. Both in my environment and finally, in my mind.

I had the most amazing morning. I got up early to hike up the old military base I know very well. Yesterday it seemed very important that I go up there to watch the sunrise. From the place where I’m house sitting, I have an uninterrupted panoramic view of the vibrant pinks, reds, purples and oranges of the sun dipping into the sea for the night. The way it reflects off the sea is so beautiful that tears form in my eyes. I had an urge to see both in one day, just like when I’m sailing on the sea that I miss so much…

Ironically, I was here just over a year ago, but staying on a boat in that marina I’m currently over looking. I was working on that boat and not in a very happy place. It was difficult living on the boat because it was a work in progress and I never felt as though I could relax, I was facing bullying by some of the crew and I was in the start of a very complicated relationship that lasted far too long….Which is a story for another day. Overlooking the marina feels as though I have conquered the mountain of negativity I was in a year ago. I no longer work on the boat, I don’t have contact with the crew that were teaching me difficult lessons and I have broken free from a relationship that was only destroying me.

I sit here now with a smile on my face remembering those times. Not with negativity or bad feelings, just simply reflecting where I was then and where I am now. Two totally different sides of the spectrum. I remember how a year ago, I went to the military base and found a quiet spot on the cliff where I just cried and cried and wondered what to do to improve my situation. If anyone told me then, that a year later I would be bouncing through the trails, breathing in the cool crisp winter air, holding my arms out and shouting, “Life is beautiful! Thank you so much!” to the universe, I would have told them they were crazy. I never wanted to go back to that place. It was beautiful, but it was a place were I thought of hurtful things and didn’t ever need to go back.

Luckily I have the power to change the perspective on that situation. I used to see it as bad memories that I wanted to erase and now I see it as an era where I learned important lessons to gain strength and resilience.  This morning, I sat down on the cold stone roof of an abandoned military building and watched the sun pop up behind the cloudy horizon. I was wearing a huge smile on my face and my mind was radiating peace and love. I was startled by a big noise behind me. I turned around and saw 20-30 mountain goats on the side of the cliff. They were observing me as much as I was them. I watched them gracefully climb down the steep side of the cliff edge as they periodically stopped to graze on their favourite bushes. One of the little ones stepped on a loose medium sized boulder, which sent it rolling and bouncing down the cliff with a noise I wish I could describe. The goats all watched it roll down until it stopped, looked at each other and then continued eating their breakfast. That moment sparked something in me.

 

The goats couldn’t control or stop the boulder. The poor little goat who stepped on it, could have been injured or killed and it was obvious he was shaken up about it. At first he froze and watched it, then he came tumbling over to what I presume was his Mother and rubbed his horns against her side while she nudged him with her nose. There are so many things in life we can’t control and we just have to watch. We can run to others for support or we can chase after that boulder to stop it and prevent further damage to others. If we choose the latter, we will no doubt lose part of ourselves. Just as I did over the last year.

As a result of my Atlantic crossing, I was totally removed from the situation for six weeks and I was able to gain clarity. I realised I was chasing the boulder instead of standing back and letting it tumble down the journey that it needs to tumble down. I took control back of my life and made the decision to let go and change things. Unfortunately the boulder is trying to pull me down with him, but I have cut the rope that was dragging me down and I look down free from harm, just as the goats did to that boulder. I look down with love and compassion and don’t let the hurtful and angry words effect me any more. They slowly broke me down over a year. Now I am going to stay on top of the mountain and be strong.

This is a result of hard work. It’s a result of my philosophical studies. Not just reading about them, but putting them into practice. It’s about having love and compassion and sometimes the best way to show that is to remove yourself from a situation so the other person and yourself, can heal. It’s an incredible gift and one that helps you appreciate and live in the moment of both beautiful moments like this morning and challenging times like I’ve faced over the last year. For now, I am enjoying the quiet in my mind. My meditations are much more focused and calm, my actions towards others are much more in the moment and I just feel free and happy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect this feeling to last forever, because that’s not how life works (until you become enlightened!), but for now, I revel in this peace and tranquillity of my mind and surroundings. It’s moments like this that help us walk gracefully through the next challenge that will inevitably arise.

Those fluffy white clouds…

Aaaaannnnddddd…..deep breath….ahhhhhh…

Have you ever been in a plane and looked out the window to see the most incredible display of fluffy white clouds? The ones that look like a massive bag of cotton balls (without the plastic of course) which seem so soft and squishy and inviting? It’s like if you jumped into them, you would just sink in the middle and feel so warm and protected and happy. Whenever I see those clouds, I always daydream about what it would be like to jump into them, as long as I didn’t fall through the other side of course!

That’s where I am right now. No, not literally! Although that would be pretty great too! I did something really scary. I jumped into those clouds hoping they had a bottom to hold me, but not knowing for sure. I flew to London and told my second family, aka my London friends, that I’m not ok. That the smiles are hiding fear and sadness and hopelessness. I told them I need help. I don’t normally do that. Of course I’ve been through many challenging times in the 10+ years I’ve known my friends here. They’ve known I’ve needed help. Many times in the past they’ve told me to take a break, step back, slow down, etc and I always looked at them and said, “I’m fine. No need to worry about me. I’m strong and independent!” Guess what? I am strong and independent, but only because I have a great support system (sorry to bring in the psychology slang, I met up with an ex-colleague today!).

 

In the past, I was too busy hiding my feelings and charging on like a bull in a china shop (has a bull ever actually been in a china shop?) to realise that they were supporting me. That they were always behind me waiting to catch me when I inevitably fell (and that I did many times). It was scary leaving London. Sure, I sold everything to move to an idyllic part of the Caribbean to live “the dream life,” but this second family was my security blanket, they were my fluffy white clouds and it was scary to move so far away from them.

Studying Buddhism has made me realise that I’m not really as independent as I think I am. That everything around me has come to fruition through other people. That I’m a strong woman who explores the world because I had parents who taught me to be resourceful, because throughout my life since adolescence, I’ve been surrounded by protectors, aka, friends, who have led me down the lit path when I started wandering down the dark one. Because the universe sends strangers into my life when I most need them and the list goes on and on. Even this laptop I’m writing on was the result of someone else. Ok, easy because it was a Christmas gift from my parents, but they had to work to get the money to buy it. The company who sold it to them had to hire the employees to put the box in the shop, the salesman to sell it, the cashier to take the money and of course integral, the person/people who invented and made the laptop! I could keep going, but I think you get the point.

 

As I was in the coffee shop baring my inner most emotions to a very close friend, tears were welling in my eyes, as well as his. I was honest about the dark clouds that are in my head that are not inviting to jump into. I shared my inner turmoil about my fears and as I did so, he placed his hand on my arm.  It gave me comfort and strength and I felt so loved, supported and accepted. That was all I needed. He said, “I’m so sorry,” and the feelings of hopelessness started falling down like raindrops from grey clouds. He’s the fifth friend I’ve seen here and each time I seek support from someone, the stronger I feel. Most people think it’s shameful to talk about feelings. Negative or positive to be honest! But guess what? We all feel them!! Right now in order to get through this huge change in my life, I need support and in order to do that, I need to be honest. According to Buddhist philosophy, giving compassion is how we find meaning in life. I would argue that we can find meaning in receiving it too. It shows us how good it feels, making us want to spread it to others! Well, in theory that is 😉

Once I get that part of the story out of the way, I start talking about the hope that I have. About my new plans for the work I’m going to do (I’m so over the yachting industry as a full time career. I like sailing, not cleaning and serving!!), how I’m going to use Mallorca as my base and just take some time to be stable and grounded. The excitement about the new ventures jumps over to them and they offer smiles and words of encouragement and offers of help and support.

 

Sometimes I think I should move back here. The weather has been beautiful since my arrival, very unusual for this time of year and I’m taking advantage of the sunshine as much as I can! I took an hour walk today through London City today and I had a gentle smile on my face as I soaked in the sights and the vibe. Good memories of the times I had here started flooding back. I admired the architecture all around me, I could feel the energy of the London spirits past and present. I asked myself, could I move back here? The city has a great vibe and I have so many incredible friends here. Then I remembered the rain and the cold and the damp and quickly refuted that idea! It’s not necessarily about being physically around people that is the most important. I always have them. I haven’t lived here for nearly four years and they all still come running towards me to catch me, as I do to them.

As I sit here with my herbal tea, listening to the sounds of the city happening outside of the window, I remember the Buddhist teachings. We create our own reality. As human beings, each of us has the ability to train our minds to live in whatever reality we want to. That’s exactly what I’m in the process of doing. I’m going to create a new reality. My new reality is living in those fluffy white clouds and realising that everything that happens, beautiful or challenging, is teaching me a very important lesson. These lessons will teach me how to become a more patient and compassionate human being, which I have discovered, is the meaning of life. I want to spread joy and happiness to other people in whatever way I can. I want to ease their suffering and fill it with happiness.

I may sink from time to time, but through the compassion of others and the happiness they experience, I will always float back to the top. What a great reality to live in, don’t you think? Challenges are not meant to fill us with sadness and hopelessness, but to teach us how to improve. To remind us that we are all suffering and in order to ease that suffering, all we need is a bit of compassion.

What is home?

All good things must come to an end. Like my lovely little flat in Old Town, Palma. It’s not just my flat, my ex-boyfriend and I got it together. However, he’s away a lot for work, so it always felt more like my home then our home. As you may have noticed the word ex, it means that one of us has to move out and the one with the higher salary won. I have been having very sad moments at the thought that I will be leaving my safe haven in just two short weeks.

Many people believe that I love being on the go all the time, that I yearn to be in new places and pack my bag again and go. Let me tell you something, that’s not true at all. These days, I pack my bag for work or to go to a course to expand my mind, but this uncertainty I have been living is exhausting. I’m tired now. Of course I enjoy wherever I am, but lately there has been an element of boredom. I start to think, this reminds me of this place I’ve already been to, another rock hard bed, oh just another airport full of arguing couples when they’re supposed to be happy because they’re on holiday…

My favourite part of this last year has been having a permanent home. I’ve probably spent a total of five of the 10 months in this penthouse flat, but every time I came back, I had a home. My stuff was here, it was where I left it. I know where the shops and markets are and I even got to know the back routes so that I could avoid streets packed with tourists while I did my weekly errands. It was comforting. I got off the plane, took a 15 minutes bus ride, 10 minute walk and voilà, I’m home! It was great.

 

Now I have to leave this home and I’ve become very attached to it. The monastery taught me to throw up flags when I realise I’m attached to something. For nothing is ever permanent. Nothing. I fought back tears on the realisation that I only had two short weeks in my lovely flat. Two short weeks of living all on my own and organising everything the way I want it… Then I knocked some sense into myself. This flat won’t be here forever, I certainly can never afford this flat forever and there are certain major things I don’t like about it. Like how I can’t sleep well because it’s so noisy and how the hot water in the shower lasts only for a few minutes so I freeze in the winter time.

Life is too short to dwell on things we can’t change, so I decided to change my attitude, because really, that’s the only thing in life we can change. I started exploring what home means. To me it means a place of safety and respite. A place where I can leave my belongings and come back to when I need them. It’s a calm and relaxed place where I don’t have to worry about what others think of me and I can just shut the world out. If I look at it this way, why does home have to be this particular flat? I mean, when I was backpacking, I would sometimes spend one or two weeks somewhere and make that my home too. Why am I sad when I’ll be moving my home with me? What I mean by that is that I will be taking my heart, my clothes, my books, my yoga mat and my favourite mug. Sure I will be living in a different area, but that’s fun too. I’m not moving country, I can take a bike ride or bus ride back to the old area and do all the things I do now!

Well, my attached mind didn’t like the idea that I could let go of that so easily! So then it started saying, but yeah, now you can walk to the Dr’s, the dentist, the Dharma centre, the other meditation you go to, Mercat Oliver for your weekly shop, there are bars and restaurants galore and you have three friends within 5 minute walking distance! It will be terrible to leave! Your life will be ruined!!

 

I’ve learned a lot of tools to calm this crazy monkey in my mind. I mean really Mr Monkey, how many times have we moved in this lifetime? At least 20! Each time I move, I go through this panic and sadness and each time I make something great of the new area I move to. Besides, I’m not tied into any lease, so if I never do adjust, I can always come back here. Just not in the summer time because that’s when it’s the most crazy!! I practised the skill of impermanence. Nothing remains the same. Not my hair (which just happens to be falling out at a rapid rate…), not my circumstances, not my relationships and certainly not my attitude or emotions. I pondered this for a while and accepted that I feel this way now and look forward to the time when I will feel more positive. Suddenly the sadness disappeared and the crazy monkey was back in his cage. Buddhist philosophy really works people, I can’t encourage it enough!