Written 28th March 2021
When I opened my eyes this morning, I was blessed with the sight of a large golden full moon that was about to take a dip into the ocean. My negative mind told me that I was exhausted and complained about not getting enough sleep. I could tell my cold had moved from my chest to my head, but I focused on the joy of the beauty in front of me. When else in my life will I be able to view this magical gift of nature upon opening my eyes? The sick part of me wanted to sleep more and I closed my eyes again, yet kept opening them to soak in the beauty of the show. I had to absorb the power and magic for all those who didn’t have the privilege of watching it. The moon dipped down and I closed my eyes to try and sleep again, but then my vital force encouraged me to get up and be the first one at the beach.
The night before, my eyes had been fully opened to the toxicity of a person that I had one last thread to cut before being able to completely let go. It’s been a long process. The kind and compassionate side of me can often make me vulnerable and naive to those who are unhealthy. My ego says I can help them, they just need the right person to love, or whatever fantastical shit it comes up with to keep me attached to situations I know aren’t good for me, but can’t figure out why it’s so tough to leave. With each day that passes in Nicaragua, I have gained clarity and continue to distance myself further and further from this person. I learned how to sit back and observe what was happening. I had detached myself from a future with this person, but was still trying to offer support and love from afar. Of course this still leads to an attachment, this I was always conscious of.
I knew there were lies and I saw the story changed based on my reactions and responses. This time it was enough. The lies crossed the line and the healthy side of me stood up and said, “Enough. We’re letting go and walking away now. There was potential for friendship, but now you’re being harmed too much. It’s time to go.” So I wept and didn’t sleep and took a homeopathic remedy to help kickstart and support the grieving process and voila, the next evening I slept well and woke up to this stunning moon as a reminder of how many beautiful healthy elements there are around me.”It’s not a new chapter, it’s a whole new book,” I said to myself as I woke up feeling relieved and awakened from a situation that was weighing me down more than I realised.
I hopped out of bed, told myself my cold was moving quickly and a beach meditation session was calling me. I walked down to the beach searching for monkeys that must’ve been feasting in other parts further afield. I flicked off my sandals and felt the warm, firm sand between my toes. My beloved dog friend Columba came bounding after me. The sight of her excitement as she ran towards me filled my heart with even more joy and I thought to myself, “Today is such a great day. I feel alive.” I told her we could go for a walk first so she didn’t have to wait for my meditation session to be over. She showed me that was a ridiculous idea by walking me over to my meditation rock. She did her routine bird chasing, I guess she thinks they interrupt my meditation. When her job was complete, she settled in the usual place behind me to protect what she has marked my sacred place from the birds, other dogs and people. I love her beyond words. Her presence in my meditation sessions will certainly mark her to be a human in the next life.
My meditation session had a different energy to it this time. It was more authentic. Effortless in fact, I was attuned to everything around me, my past and the current moment. I felt a rush of energy come through me as I purged out the lifelong toxicity that has reappeared in my life this week and expelled it into the ocean waves to be created into something beautiful. Today it was waves for the herds of surfers that have come for Easter week. I floated above the toxicity that poured from me. I said to myself, “That’s in the past, that will stay there,” and then proceeded to call positive energy, people and events into my life. I said my mantras, thanked the Buddhas for all of their energy and teachings and turned around to find Columba chatting to some people. When she saw me stand up, she bounced her way towards me and asked if we were going home or for a walk.
I had an urge to feel the sea around my ankles and so we walked. I watched her joy as she chased birds and let it seep into me, I observed my beautiful surroundings and soaked up the fact I was the only person on the beach. Columba followed me home and I watered and fed her. They’re changing the roof on one of the cabanas here, so there is a large amount of men here and she sat and guarded them while I answered text messages from my European friends. You see, I called on them for support and recharging and they have flourished me with love. I realised that this past year, I have mostly been calling on toxicity when there is an endless amount of love around me. I will tune into this love from now on and I can not wait to see where life is going to take me. When Columba lies down to sleep, she knows I will sit on the floor and stroke her with infinite love, gratefulness and appreciation until she’s had enough and signals she wants to be left alone to sleep. I cherish these intimate moments between us.
Today I started a new book (not literally, but that’s to come). I am excited! I know there will still be challenges, but this time there will be no drama, there will be minimal pain and there will be a renewed sense of excitement, awareness and happiness with each start of the day, no matter what is happening. As the Dalai Lama said, “Today I am fortunate to be alive. I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others…” I’ve been saying this full quote every morning for three months now and it’s finally sunk in. Now my job is to overflow with positivity and be patient to see what abundance comes my way.