As I was lying on the aft deck watching the stars turn on, I couldn’t help but wonder what on earth happened. Six weeks ago, I was in London in such a peaceful place even though I had no idea what was going to happen with my life and now I seemed to have turned 180 degrees. Sure I still know that everything will be ok eventually, but I have been neglecting my yoga and spiritual practices for parties and I feel empty, lonely and lost.
I was in a fragile state that night after a ‘good’ night and morning out. I turned my thoughts of panic and self-disappointment into kindness, acceptance and forgiveness of myself. One helpful trait I have is that I am a social chameleon so it’s easy for me to thrive in whatever environment I am thrown into. The bad thing about that is when it’s not such a healthy environment. I was strong the first couple of weeks saying no to drinks. Then I started getting really lonely and when everyone else was drinking, I thought, “Ok, why not? That’s just what people do.” Then I started seeing the person I was in my early 20’s come out and I thought, “Oh goodness. I really didn’t like her, I thought she had left…” So what did I do? Continued to delve deeper to try and throw away the disappointed feelings I felt about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t gone totally off the rails, this job is physically demanding and I wanted to keep it, so I had to be responsible. It was just that losing my connection with yoga meant I was no longer being true to myself.
I didn’t really tell any of my supportive and good friends how I was feeling or what I was doing. Why worry people unnecessarily? Then I realised that actually, I was worried about me and some support would do me the world of good. So I turned to Captain Cool, the anchor of my life for two years. It all went well until the phone calls after I had a bit too much to drink. As I was feeling insecure, it didn’t take much to misinterpret or become over sensitive to certain comments. One morning I woke up to a stern text message that spoke a lot of truths I didn’t want to hear but needed to. I asked if I could visit him and just get some grounding. I didn’t know for how long because I handed in my notice for this job and just wanted some time to figure things out. He agreed. There was either miscommunication or him not really wanting to see a me that he didn’t know, but he told me with his work schedule I could only stay three days. It wasn’t worth the money and I had nowhere to go after that, so it didn’t make sense to go. I was very disappointed and he sent me an apologetic text saying that he was standing behind me and giving me strength. I rolled my eyes, left my phone at home and went out with my new friends to forget about the harm I have caused him and myself.
As I marvelled at the beauty of the day changing into night on this boat that has given me so many life lessons, I took the advice of a good friend and didn’t beat myself up. Then I started thinking about the yoga philosophy and how they say that too. Sure, the monkey in my brain went a little crazy and took over, but it doesn’t mean that all is lost. I mean, how many years have I not been the person that is coming out now? How many years have I been working on improving myself and succeeded? It’s just a little slip, I’m stronger than this. I’m not in a good environment for many reasons I won’t share, but the things I will share is because I don’t like my actual job role as a stewardess, nor do I like being on a motor yacht. I thought a boat on the sea was a boat on the sea, but no, it’s not. Sailboats move differently, they carry a different energy and they connect and dance with nature. It’s more about enjoying the journey then going as fast as you can to get to the next place. Motor yachts tear through the waves scaring off all of the lovely fish and mammals, burning tons of fuel as they rush to get to the next destination. As I write this, I notice that perhaps this is why I have lost myself. I really connect with the energy around me and perhaps it was that motor yacht energy I connected with.
I am throwing off that energy. I have no idea what I will do on the 1st of May when I am free from this boat. I’m going to look for a sailboat job as a deckhand, but maybe that’s not what the universe has in mind for me either. Therefore I am going to spread out feelers to my yoga and massage connections as well and just see what happens. All I know is that contrary to what CC said, I am all alone. We all are. No one can make a decision for me on what’s best or what I should do next. I will of course accept words of support and encouragement, but that won’t ever give me the path that’s true to me. It will however, give me the strength to keep walking forward, especially when I have some falls and breaks. Now if you excuse me, there are five big sailboats here at the marina so I must puff my chest up, update my CV and re-connect with the Yogini Sailor.