There has been a reason for my silence. As you know, I’ve been land locked for about 5 weeks now. I’m writing this from the airport with a knot in my throat and a pain so deep in my heart, I just can’t think about it or I would crumble to the ground.
Florida didn’t go to plan, there are some beautiful and some comical moments. I’ve been writing the whole time, I just couldn’t share that part of my life, live. I was truly living in the moment because I knew the inevitable and I wanted to soak in every beautiful moment and just be present.
Today I said goodbye to a great love. Probably the best love of my life, it just hurts to say that because he’s gone to a different part of the world to where I’m going. In fact, at this exact moment I’m writing, his plane is supposed to be taking off to Colombia, while waiting for a flight to London. Maybe that’s why the tears are flowing so freely from my eyes. It’s real.
It wasn’t an easy choice, it wasn’t even a well thought out choice if I’m honest. I just knew it had to be. I didn’t like doing charters for various reasons. It was a terrible job and I didn’t even make enough to survive. People didn’t seem to understand the concept of tipping, yet I couldn’t stop going the extra mile and then feeling angry when it was rewarded with a simple thank you (if that). Why do something so unenjoyable for nothing?? Sure I was on the sea, it was beautiful, I got to sail, I learned how to sail, I saw beautiful fish I had only seen in photos, swam in waters that were so clear I could see 10 meters to the bottom. Even as I write this after living it for two years, it still feels like a dream. Already a distant dream…
But there were the negatives, the not having a bed during charters, not having a space or the time to clear the energies of others and re-generate. Or on the flip side, having too much of that time and feeling totally useless. The days, weeks and odd occasion, months, I was in Cartagena lying on our beautiful bed, looking up through the hatch watching the mast bob back and forth as the speed boats zoomed by with Reggaeton at full blast. And feeling like absolute shit. The heat made me ill, the water or food or something we never quite figured out, made it difficult to get out of bed sometimes. There was so little I could eat without getting stomach pains or bad bloating which made me want to do nothing but lie down and get rid of the gas in any way I could.
Sure I had a dream life, but that last paragraph just made it impossible. I really couldn’t win. If we had a lot of charters, I was feeling energetically drained and tired and craving for my space. Then we could go periods without having charters and I absolutely loved the space we had, but the environment just made it difficult to enjoy. Our relationship suffered because of it and because CC is so beautiful, he sucked it up and rolled with it. He has this amazing ability to forget about all the negatives about someone or a situation and just walk through life with a smile and loving almost every moment. Of course he has his days, but they are so far and few between. I used to think people like him were lying to themselves and severely disturbed. Guess what, they aren’t. It works, it’s possible and there is nothing wrong with them. Unless you call a passion for life and seeing the best of everything a disease. He has given me something to strive for.
However, while I was dripping with sweat just from lying down, and dreading the hunger pains in my stomach because it felt like a battle to find something to please it, I was losing myself. I looked at CC smiling and joking away and thought, “Ha! If only life was that easy. He doesn’t get it. He can eat everything. The heat doesn’t make him sick.” The truth is, it is that easy if you find your ‘thing.’ Of course I wasn’t miserable all the time. There were cloudy days and I could play in the rain to cool off during the rainy season. After months of trying everything he could think of, CC finally started to crack my difficult stomach and I could enjoy our final days more and more. Or maybe I was enjoying them because I knew they were ending.
It just got to a point where I was complaining in my head more than I wasn’t and I thought as beautiful as this life is, enough is enough. I need to change my environment because life is just too short to lie in sweat feeling like someone is cutting your stomach open while playing hide and seek with the sun and listening to others enjoy themselves.
The choice I’m making isn’t the choice I want. What I really want is my own sailboat and to sail around the world with CC, at our own pace with our own agenda. The 10 days we sailed together just proved that we are not only compatible as life partners, but as crew mates as well. This is truly a rare find more precious than gold. I want to teach yoga and give massage all around the world. I want to make an income by writing because I love it and a sailor’s life fosters such a beautiful environment to do it. I have put my desires out there and I am waiting for it to come to me. I will be patient.
Unfortunately I was born in ‘the system’ and I was raised in a culture where you are nothing without an incredibly expensive piece of paper to tell you that you’re something and can get a job. I followed that route and accrued all of the debts with it. You see, the USA is great like that. They make education so expensive that you have to work (if you have the right degree, know the right people, etc) in order to pay your bills, but you need more degrees to get a good paying job to spend your life paying off those loans. I admit it, I’m not great with money. I have enough to survive, but what I thrive on is traveling and so I chose to use extra money to enrich myself with life experience. Do I regret it? No, I’m just having some anger issues with the system at the moment. So far I have yet to hear of a country which has such a ridiculously expensive education system and hungry bankers who feed off those who aren’t able to find jobs or who choose to live a different path.
So, I’m giving in. Temporarily of course. I have a plan to work for a while (don’t ask me how long, life can change in an instant) and pay off a good chunk, then I will save for my sailboat and I will go. I will be free again and I will live as I have been living, in a dream world even I can’t imagine. I will continue to see beautiful things, be outside of the rat race and I will drink in every single moment; good or bad. CC has the same long term plan. I hope one day we will raise the sails together smiling at each other while he laughs at me doing my happy sea dance with the biggest most sincere smile I have ever had, screaming at the top of my lungs, “Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Estoy libre!!! El mar te amo!!” It means, “I am free! I love you sea!”
While I write this with a heavy heart, not looking forward to entering the system once again, even if it is (hopefully) only for a short while, I just have to look forward. I want to follow CC’s method and walk through life smiling and seeing only the most vibrant colours. Maybe I need this time to work on that myself before we can be reunited. Or maybe we won’t be reunited, only the future knows the answer. I am done planning, I am done having expectations and I am simply rolling with the punches and keeping my eyes open for any bridges that open for me. Much like the bridges that opened for us on our last sail together on the Intracoastal Waterway. However, if anyone has a spare sailboat they’re not using….