I was writing in my journal after dinner when Captain America poked his head down the hatch and said I had a visitor. I hoped it wasn’t the security guard from today who invited me to a party. I know exactly what he wants and I’m not giving it to him.
I poked my head out and seeing Ben brought a big smile to my face. He asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Of course! We talked about our days as we strolled down the malecon which is becoming a daily ritual I really enjoy. I told him I met a captain looking for crew who is going to Rio Dulce, Guatemala. From there I could economically get to Panama where I can always catch a free ride to Colombia or meet Captain Cool there.
I told him I didn’t know what to do because after meeting someone who is such a genuine and true gentleman like him, I realised there are so many different people in the world. He thanked me for the compliment and looked genuinely touched. I can’t even describe how refreshing it is to spend time with a guy who may want sex, but hides it and treats me like a human instead of a vagina. This is the first time in years, if maybe ever. I can just relax and have so much fun with him.
I proceeded to tell him that it was a shame he wasn’t allowed on a boat because I would love to steal him and sail away with him. His response was the most profound ever, especially coming from someone who still has a lot of life ahead of them. “I could think about these things, but I would just go crazy so I don’t. I can’t change it. All I know is that I have time with you now. I don’t know how much, so I am just going to be with you now and enjoy every single second. I know you’re going to leave and I may never see you again, but I will never forget you and how happy you’ve made me.”
His words brought tears to my eyes. His words are something I constantly read in my yoga scriptures and forget on an hourly basis. His words are the ultimate truth for that is exactly what life is. What we have is now. Now means living each day until an opportunity comes our way. Not frantically looking for an escape and some comfort because I feel a bit lost. I’m here for a reason, both in my mental state and this beautiful country. I just looked at him and wondered how I could be like him.
I realised one thing is that maybe it’s because he has so little. Not necessarily material possessions, but opportunities and even ways of thinking. He has a great family and friends very close to him who make him feel loved and secure. This combination of things has allowed him to accept his situation and simply enjoy what he has at any given moment.
I travel the world in search of new ways of thinking and meeting people and to see how to make life simple. Unfortunately it’s also bringing me many opportunities which are making me think too much! Maybe all I needed to do was sit in my hometown and enjoy the things I had there. It’s too late now. I have the knowledge and I can’t go back. Plus my values and ways of thinking have changed so much I feel like an alien when I’m in Wisconsin.
So. What to do? Sit with the uncomfortable feelings. All of them. Sit with the moods, insults and judgments from Captain America. It’s not all the time. I’m learning how to manage him and he’s not a bad person. We are just totally opposite and it can be a challenge. I’m going to sit with my heartache about Captain Cool and work through it how I need to.
I’m going to keep opening up these beautiful gifts from the universe. The gifts of the lights of people who are lighting up my path. I’m going to slow down my thinking and enjoy now more. I can’t Magic the perfect boat to take me where I want to go (which changes hourly) so I’m going to relax. I’m going to accept that things feel uncomfortable when I’m not in the moment and not do anything to change it other than focus on the good of that moment. Those uncomfortable feelings normally aren’t about right now.
And damnit, I’m going to keep up my puma ways and see if I can work my way through the 20’s!!