I made a really hard decision a couple days ago. It seemed last minute, but I had been thinking about it for a while and something in me just clicked and said
it has to happen now.
I have lots of practice in the field of letting go. I have moved various times meaning I have lot go of the physical presence of close friends and family as well as a home I had built to be safe and secure. I have also let go of material possessions, jobs, numerous romantic relationships (although usually not my choice!!) and expectations. The easiest thing to let go of was possessions. I don’t think it will ever be easy to let go of romantic relationships.
I have spent the last month in a bit of turbulence. In case you don’t follow my blog, here is a quick summary. I left a boat I had been on for over a year. The captain and I had a relationship so that was not easy, but I wanted (still do!) to cross the Atlantic. I found a boat which was doing the crossing, spent 10 days with the captain, decided he didn’t value my life as much as I did, so left for Mexico where some of my sailing friends were. They had connected me with a captain who was looking for someone to sail with. The captain wanted sex (I don’t), one of my friend’s went crazy on me and I was again thrown into a storm desperately searching for a life boat to help me.
I always had CC. Thanks to technology, we could still talk and I spent many phone calls crying down the phone to him while he offered me words of support and encouragement. He said I was always welcome back on his boat and so in the back of my mind, I had him as a safety plan. The more I started being hassled by other captains, the more I thought about returning before my money ran out and I couldn’t afford to go back.
My friends are great and supported me with words of encouragement. I suggested to one friend I was going to go back to Colombia. He said I didn’t seem the type to walk backwards. I sent him reasons of exactly how I am that kind of person and while defending myself, realised that whenever I do that, the person is usually right. I planted that seed and carried on living in the past and future.
I was born in the United States, but haven’t lived there in 11 years. I will probably be lynched, but I no longer feel American and am not proud to be an American. Isla Mujeres is an extension of the US and is full of the type of people who don’t make me proud to be American. All the locals speak English, the supermarkets have more “gringo” food then Mexican and everything is in English. I don’t like it. So I found myself hiding in the boat and just counting down the days until we leave.
I was preparing for my yoga audition and remembered a grounding exercise that a teacher once did. I think it is the best thing ever to get someone to be in the current moment. I did it in my own personal practice and again for the audition. I suddenly realised that I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching. I was busy thinking about my past and getting to the future.
Sure there are a mountain of tourists on this island, I’m sure some of them are ok. There are also a lot of locals and since I’ve travelled alone loads, I know how to find them and I can speak Spanish with them. I can’t do that hiding on the boat pining over the past and hoping for the future.
I was invited to dinner the other night and just before we were to leave, CC called me. We had already talked that day so nothing urgent needed to be said. I was so busy laughing and making faces at him that my dinner companions left without me. I felt hurt and as I walked back to the boat, realised that my flaky yes and the fact I was involved on a phone call probably made it seem like I wasn’t interested.
I started texting CC about how rude it was and we were chatting and something just hit me. I am so busy focused on him, that I’m not living in the moment. I’m so busy trying to come up with ideas of how we can get back together that I’m not present. CC doesn’t do that. Quite often he doesn’t call when he says he’s going to and doesn’t even send a message about it until late the next day. It’s probably because he’s living in the moment and doesn’t want to interrupt it. So why don’t I do the same? Relationships will never work one way. If I spend all my time coming up with ways of how we can work and live together again, but he does nothing, how is it ever going to work? It won’t, I’ve tried six times before.
Some people live in a dream world without an intention of making those dreams come true. That’s fine, but it’s not me. How can I work towards getting a job to pay for my student loans and save for a boat if I’m concentrating on something in my heart, I know is hopeless?? If I thought there was a chance, I would keep working on it.
So I followed my own advice and decided to let go of the past and the future and tell CC I didn’t want to speak to him anymore. It was incredibly hard and hurts deeply in my heart. For I have not only let go of my security blank, but most importantly, one of my closest soul mates. In a time where I feel so lost and alone more often than not, this was a very scary decision.
I don’t know what the future holds and I’m not going to guess or focus on it. Of course I have a dream of what I would like the future to look like. I will focus on that by being present in this moment and talking to people about my dream and being in the moment by sharing life with people I meet, whether they are Americans or not. I will be open to opportunities that are around me that I haven’t been open to, because I haven’t truly been in the moment.
Whether CC and I meet again or not is now really up to him. For I have tried for a year and hit brick walls. I recently gave him a business idea that would make more money and life more enjoyable. It was met with lots of words of excitement and no action. I can’t do any more. All I know is that as long as I am present in the moment and truly experiencing the challenges and rewards life gives every single one of us, I will get to where I am supposed to be. So here I go without a security blanket and without a person who understands me and the sailing lifestyle, but with all the faith that I am on the journey I am meant to be on.