Oh here we go again. The Chinese calendar says this is my lucky year, I know it’s not over and maybe I have to go through a lot of shit first to find it, but so far they lied.
Apparently captains just want someone to have sex with or a pretty face to watch in the kitchen. I want neither. I will help in the kitchen, but I can also sail and want to be above deck too. This recent one wants a relationship and is a little frustrated I don’t. Therefore he is helpfully finding other options for me to take. How nice. What happened to just enjoying someone’s company because they have the same interests?
Then my ‘friend’ went all apeshit on me because the man she is in love with (and who is sailing with her) is interested in me. I didn’t realise that was my problem. At least it provided 10 minutes of entertainment for my neighbours on the dock as she stormed back and forth and loudly professed how he was clearly having a sex dream about me and what a naive, stupid little child I am. By the way, all men just want to have sex with me and I shouldn’t trust anyone. I guess it was good she professed that so at least my neighbours know I know and hopefully won’t try anything. Or at least they will understand when I run screaming and crying if they do!
All jokes aside, I’ve been in a pretty lonely place for quite some months and I’m getting pretty tired of it. CC and I started growing apart and wanting different things in life. I had no friends there and as CC said when I left, he didn’t understand why his friends never seemed to warm up to me. He has his theories, really I don’t care, it just would’ve been nice if it was different, but it wasn’t.
I felt lost and lonely in Jamaica and was so relieved when I discovered my friends were in Mexico and better yet, that they knew a nice guy to sail with. Well, that happiness lasted two days and it all seemed to fall apart.
I still talk to CC and have aired my sadnesses and frustrations with him. More honestly than I do with anyone else. I realised and actually said to him that if he changed one thing, I would come back. I was met by silence and that says everything. It also means that the one place I could call home, him, is no longer home. My love for him is not worth the change. I accept it, but it doesn’t mean that my heart hasn’t shattered into a million pieces. It’s ok, it’s happened before, it just really hurts before it gets better.
I have a family and I love them very much. Unfortunately we are very different people and where they live is the last place I would want to live on this earth, so that isn’t my home. I have amazing friends in London, but don’t have a home and I’m at the end of my funds so could only afford to stay in a cockroach ridden hostel for a week before that ends. I guess summer is coming soon, I can live in a cardboard box…. My grandma’s house was my happy place, but she is gone and her house is not in the family. My new happy place was with CC. Well, I have no happy place now either.
I’ve never not had one. I don’t even have a cabin with a door to lock myself in and cry. I have been judged and misunderstood quite frequently recently, I don’t understand why. If people don’t understand me, they should just leave me alone. It is too much and although I am fighting to keep my head above water and stand up for the person I am proud to be, I get tired and sometimes my head goes under. I have no one underneath to push me back up. I am tired. I want to rest in a safe place. Maybe I am wanting too much.
After captain America left to have some drinks, I sat on the deck looking at the night sky. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I hugged my knees and asked the universe to please help me. I don’t even know what that would be. What I want doesn’t seem available, so I will just hold my hands up and grab anything that seems reasonable.
I think I need to give up sea life for a while which upsets me greatly. I have little money so when things go wrong, I will soon be stuck. I can’t seem to find a paying job on a boat and living life as a sailing escort doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I need to return to land and work to save money for my own boat. It’s easy to get a cheap one these days, I shouldn’t have to be a landlubber for long. Then I have no captains to worry about. I am one and I can go where I want with who I want. CC tried to talk me out of it because he knows my love for the sea. I said I’m just tired. I have no support and I am running out of money. I will be miserable on land, but I am miserable here. Unfortunately the world works on money and I need some.
I have friends afar, all on a different time zone which makes it hard because they are sleeping when I need some encouragement. Today my dearest friend sent me a voice message (I love whatsapp) without even knowing what was going on, but saying exactly what I needed to hear to stay fighting for today. She said good things will come to me because I am a genuine person. Today I don’t believe the bit about good things, but to hear someone who I know loves me so much say that I’m genuine pushed my head back up above the water. I know that, it’s just that people who have only just met me have been very quick to judge who I am and I allowed them to pull me under. I am lucky to have such great friends.
In fact, she’s been trying to convince me to move to Kenya where she is. She has a job for me. Maybe I need to let her win. I’m not looking forward to living on land again, but after 1.5 years of not having any friends, it would feel pretty damn good to get weekly hugs from a great person who just understands me.
Who knows. Feeling lost and lonely is also confusing and I have to think really carefully and intelligently about my next move because if it doesn’t include a salary, I could be stuck.
For now, I have no home, no happy or safe place, no friends to have a chat and a tea with. I have little money and I have little faith in the human race as a whole. I also know that I have people all over the world who love me dearly and are cheering for me. It’s these people who are helping me hang on until I can find the right path. Sometimes we have to lose everything and get totally lost before we find a good journey. Today it’s hard, but I have faith. I hope tomorrow I will have the strength to hold on tight and ride this wave. Just taking each moment as it comes, because really, that’s all we have.