After announcing my departure from the Caribbean and Captain Cool, many people asked me, what about CC? Is he coming? Won’t you miss him? Are you going back? My answer is that I am married to the sea and all I know is that there is a lot more of the sea I haven’t seen!
My relationship history has given me a non traditional perspective on relationships. I’m sure my psychology friends would have a field day analysing it and would probably conclude I have a fear of commitment or have yet to get over previous relationships. Fair enough, those are perspectives. I don’t believe any one perspective is right.
Here is my perspective. I have had amazing boyfriends. They are all great people who treated me well. If they didn’t, I left. That happened one time. You can say my heart has been broken a lot. It has many scars that have healed and made my heart bigger and tougher to love again.
I still have some scarring to do over the most recent relationship with an amazing guy I would still call the love of my life. It was a dramatic and tough break up and as I was travelling, dealt with it all on my own. However, it was the right thing. I wouldn’t be crossing the Atlantic right now if we were still together. Hell, I would still be in London trying to fight to keep my inner peace!! I won’t speak for his life, but I like to think the end was right for both of us.
Then I got to thinking, wow, I would still be in London and missing out on all these incredible adventures if I was still with him. Of course I would never know and I’m sure we would have had a fun life, but really, nothing compares to the sea!
I wondered how many times I did things I didn’t necessarily want to do for a relationship. I didn’t even want to think about it, because what’s the point in thinking about negative things I can’t change. Some people do give up things and it’s because they really want the relationship or a family or maybe they don’t know what they want and most societies tell us that’s what we should have, so they do it. That’s fine. We are all different, I am just offering a different perspective.
I would love to spend the rest of my life with someone. I love being held and loved and kissed and touched in a way that only a romantic person can do. I love being in love! However I don’t believe in marriage. I was married once (albeit for visa reasons but I took it seriously!) and he cheated on me. I was proposed to two other times and they left me. It’s fine, I’m not bitter and I know that at least one of them has a much better life than I ever could have offered because we weren’t right for each other. I simply believe I will have various long term relationships instead of one that lasts forever.
Who knows, I may be surprised and meet my match and we are forever together, that’s fine. I just hope he never asks to marry me because my friends are right, I am a commitment phobe and that scares me. Not to mention with the divorce rates as they are, does marriage really mean what it used to?!? I would rather take the formality and label out of it and just love someone. I can still have a party (on my sailboat) if we want to celebrate our love with close friends and family.
The short of the long answer is, of course I will miss CC. We had a non conventional relationship from the start as we both said we weren’t going to put a label on it, it just is what it is and we are free to leave or stay as we desired. I loved that. It really suited me. I feel free. I am not talking about feeling free to shag as many men as I want. I am free to grab the best opportunity life gives me whether it’s near or far from CC. He showed me what true love is. A love that doesn’t have rules and stipulations. I am still me and free to make my own choices!
Needless to say, I am very sad to leave him. I sometimes think I feel so sad because I feel like I’m deserting him. He would love to go on this adventure but circumstances won’t allow it. Maybe they will never allow it. Maybe we will never see each other again.
That’s ok for me because I am married to the sea and that is where my loyalty is. The sea lets me be free and opens my soul and never talks back. Sure it can treat me nasty and give me challenges, but it gives me the greatest gift in life. To see the world and life for all the good it has to offer. It gives me peace. When I have an internal battle, I turn to the sea to comfort me and it never lets me down. That is something no human being can ever do.
I am married to the sea and maybe one day I will have another threesome if the right man comes along. For now, I am grateful to have met CC and to have spent a rollercoaster of a year together. However, it is time for me to sail away and explore more of my new marriage.